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JAYNE WITH A WHY |
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Saturday, May 12, 2007THE BATHROOM SCALES - A BIT MORE TALE OF WOEChapter Two I'm not sure if it's the Harley's fault that I decided to lose weight, or if it's my own conscience, sledgehammering (well it's hardly pricking at the weight I am) me to shed a a few kilos or more. For sanity's sake, I think it is a combination of the two. Hence, I made the decision: LOSE WEIGHT. This decision, led to a further discussion - once the bruising had healed - with Grandma, about purchasing a new & another set of bathroom scales. She knew she had to 'tread lightly' around me on this subject, because she really does want to see her next birthday. I know that, as she told me, just before she turned blue whilst I was in the process of strangling her. (See Chapter One) We decided to peruse another local trading store, for a 'decent' set of scales this time - one that cost quite a heap but less than a kidney transplant. After much perusing, comparing of price, colour, size, durability & making sure they could take the weight of a mature elephant, we selected a set of Digitally Electronic Bathroom Scales. Upon unpacking, Grandma read the enclosed Booklet of Instructions & became an instant expert! In order to activate our new purchase, we needed to insert 2 x AAA batteries into Slot B as indicated. I rummaged around & found the correct batteries, inserted them as directed, replaced the little plastic cover & then positioned them on the floor in the spare bedroom - hereafter referred to as The Weighing Room. They looked quite nice - a neutral white against a pale grey floor tile. "G'won then, you get on first." said Grandma "F*ck off, after what happened the last time, YOU get on first!" I replied. "Don't be daft!" she exclaimed "These are Digitally Elelctronic Scales, guaranteed to go up to mumble mumble kilos!" Yeah right I think. I ain't risking it a second time, Digitally Electronic or not. "OK, I'll go first" says Grandma. She stepped on, positioning her feet as per Diagram A in the Booklet of Instructions. Little digitally electronic dashes appeared on the viewing window - they were dashing from right to left at a rapid rate of knots. My pulse quickened I can tell you. A reading appeared. A diagnosis was declared. Grandma was happy with her weight! She had put on a few kilos, which is natural as she has also come down with the Abu-dhabi-itis bug. "OK love, your turn now" she said, with genuine concern...........concern that I may shorten her life by several years if she so much as sniggers in my direction. I step on our new Digitally Electronic Bathroom Scales. I am expecting the Scale Monster (the digitally electronic one this time) to issue a frantic cry for help. There is silence.........apart from Grandma's wheezing.......I suspect she's getting ready to make a run for it.................... Little electronic dashes flash before my eyes. They're even faster than what they were when Grandma got on. Panic is beginning to rise. I break out into an instant sweat & hope to God it doesn't make me weigh any more than I already suspect. I inhale. I stop breathing. A reading appears. I have a weight! It is, I decide, probably correct, as it is 5kg more than what I was the last time I got on scales & they didn't break on me. I exhale, step down & declare my weight to Grandma. It is the 1st day of May. "Right then, I need to lose weight Flowerpot*. As from today, I'm cutting out all bread, potatoes, pasta, rice, butter, yogurt, chocolate, etc. etc. & I NEED to get into a pair of jeans that don't cut me in two." I direct to Grandma. "OK love, I'm with you all the way. I'll also cut down............but I'm still having me brandy!" she states. The new Digitally Electronic Bathroom Scales sleep nicely on the floor in the Weighing Room for a week. Hubs has also joined the Gotta Get Weight Off Club. We eat terribly sensibly, but by mutual agreement, allow ourselves Friday as a day off from 'dieting' & weight will be monitored by a once weekly weigh in. Last Monday, shortly after Hubs left for work, Grandma called out from her pit: "Did you get weighed? It's weigh in day today!" I am excited! I have been really good & haven't cheated at all. I get on the new Digitally Electronic Bathroom Scales..............little digital dashes whizz across the screen faster than morse code & then, then, I get The Reading. I have lost 2.2kg - two point two kilograms! I am ecstatic! I tell Grandma, before waking up & realising that I should only actually get weighed the following day...............it being one week exactly from the first weigh in. I'm gutted. I feel like a cheat! I am however, secretly smug, because I have lost 2.2kg. Grandma had a weigh in. Hubs had a weigh in when he came home at lunch time. Both had lost weight, so we were all very chuffed with our collective selves, but I was still miffed because I'd done the weigh in on the wrong day. Tuesday morning - the correct weigh in day: I go into the Weighing Room, kick off my slippers & step on the scales. I need that psychological confirmation that I'm still losing weight & doing the right thing. I wait for the little electronic dashes to dash. There is nothing. NOTHING! I step off & nudge the scales. I step on again. My heart lifts at the sight of the little dashes appearing like long lost friends! But then they keep going on & on.............. and on and then . . . Error Error? WTF is Error? Why are our new Digitally Electronic Bathroom Scales telling me Error? I step off. I shake the scales, I kick them, I turn them over, check the battery placement cover - everything looks fine. I place them back on the floor & step on again. Lots of little electronic dashes race across the screen again & then, just when I'm getting excited, they say: Error. I'm close to tears. I call Grandma & tell her of the dilemma. She steps on the scales - they tell her she's lost another 4kg in less than 24hrs! (Yeah right, around her tongue maybe.) Hubs comes home from work. We tell him of my woe - note my woe, as Grandma is secretly thinking she's lost more than 6kg in a week, silly woman! Hubs steps on. His readings alternate between nothing, heaps of dashes, a loss of 14kg in the last 24hrs & Error. Our new Digitally Electronic Bathroom Scales are STUFFED! Less than a fortnight old & they're buggered. My guilt complex soars to the surface yet again & I chastise myself for breaking them, even though I know their demise is not my fault. The Tale of Woe concludes in the next Chapter.  
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