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Thursday, May 10, 2007THE BATHROOM SCALES TALE OF WOE(This is the 3rd attempt in posting the following tale of woe. I’m beginning to think The Scale Monster really has it in for me. My first attempt of many, many words was almost complete – I was editing the post when my computer made a whirrrrring noise, everything ‘hung’ & then it simply died, before I could click ‘Save As Draft’ – obviously! The 2nd attempt resulted in me attempting to save the title & 1st paragraph of this tale of woe in the ‘drafts, to which my screen declared ‘network error’. I took this as a silent sign, equal to ‘bollocks’. I am therefore, now writing this as a Word document. I will save it at any moment & thereafter, it will continually ‘save’ itself, which is a good idea, because otherwise I might be tempted to hurl the computer across the living room. I will transfer it to the Blogger page, when the Computer Gremlin goes for a tea break.) Chapter One Some months ago, I made the instant decision to buy a set of normal, inexpensive bathroom scales. I was in a nearby trading store & whilst perusing the shelves for coffee mugs, came across a stack of newly unpacked bathroom scales that fair screamed “Buy Me!” I did just that! I took them back to the apartment, unwrapped them, placed them on the bathroom floor & called Grandma to see them. “Ooooh ‘eck” she says. “Yeah” I replied, “Since contracting Abudhabi-itis* I’m curious as to how much I weigh, or at least how much weight I’ve put on.” *main symptom is known as I-can’t-be-arsed. “G’won then, gerron” Grandma says. I make her leave the bathroom. I am embarrassed & I don’t want her to see how much I weigh. I get on the scales & expect an instant stream of obscenities from The Scale Monster…..y’know, that evil little monster that lives inside of bathroom scales. The dial on the scales went slightly haywire………the needle was spinning around faster than a compass looking for North. A noise followed. CLANK CLUNK PING!!! Or sounds to that effect. (use your imagination here will ya?) Three of the 4 corners of the newly purchased inexpensive bathroom scales were above ground level. The 4th corner was sort of touching the floor – it was at an ‘awkward’ angle. I got off faster than I got on, picked up the contraption, checked it out thoroughly & sighed. *Big Sigh* Grandma re-entered the room. Her curiosity was getting the better of her, but she hadn’t heard the noise! “How much d’ya weigh then?” she enquired. “Dunno Grandma” I replied. “What d’ya mean you don’t know?” she says, giving me the ‘can’t keep secrets from me’ look. “I broke the scales” I confess, in a barely audible whisper. “Yer what?” she demands, her left eyebrow twitching like a trapped nerve . “I broke the scales” I state, quietly, directing my voice to the floor. “You did what? Wassup with the scales?” she demands again. “I BROKE THE F*CKING SCALES!” I cry. “Ooooh ‘eck……….hahahahahahahaha…….you broke the scales………………..bugger me, that’s funny hahahahaha!” Grandma is currently 78yrs of age. I asked her if she would like to see her 79th birthday & if she did, she’d better shut it NOW. She stifled a giggle. A snigger then escaped from the depths of her vocal chords. She couldn’t help herself. At this point, I must tell you dear readers, that Max Factor’s ‘Barely Beige’ matt foundation works wonders on covering unsightly bruises on ones neck! Grandma would know, after I attempted to strangle her. No more was mentioned about the purchase of & prompt destruction of a set of inexpensive bathroom scales. Until the end of April. Chapter Two to follow shortly..............  
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