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JAYNE WITH A WHY |
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Sunday, July 09, 2006ONE OF THOSE MOMENTS.........This is a copy of an email I sent to my dad. I was in the Magic Kingdom at the time & life was 'different'........you had to have a sense of humour to survive. I've just made myself a cuppa coffee, got a fag & thought I must write & tell you what I've just done............I've told myself it'll be a 'calming' process, because I know I'll laugh if I get it out of my system! We're going to Sue & Stan's tomorrow night, cos it's Stans birthday. I volunteered to make a big dish of lasagne & another dish called orange chicken. What it is (basically) is chicken breast fillets baked in a sauce, which is made up of orange juice, mayonnaise, chutney & tomato sauce. It's always turned out lovely...........well...........apart from the time when I forgot the recipe & used yogurt instead of mayo & Mike said "this is er....different!" Anyway, I'd got half a box of oranges in the fridge, so I thought I'd be clever & make my own orange juice, cos I've got a really fancy Kenwood chef thingy. I cut the oranges into quarters & thought I'd just put them in the liquidiser for a minute & then Bob's yer uncle, ta da! orange juice. WRONG. I tried every conceivable way imaginable in attaching the liquidiser, but the bastard thing wouldn't work. It's got an arrow on it (1) & a little dot mark (2) & you have to line them up in order for it to work. After many attempts, a few drops of sweat & more than enough swear words, the only way I could get the 1 & 2 to line up would be if I smashed the thing against the wall in a fit of frustration! Right.............Plan B, get out the instruction booklet, as one does when all else fails................ooooooops.........there were the instructions for the JUICE EXTRACTOR attachment! (I didn't even know I had one) So, I get it out & assemble it & bingo, it worked.................well, in theory it worked perfectly, but in practice it was useless, as I'd already cut the oranges into quarters & they needed to be cut into halves. I looked at this thing, which in essence is a high speed electronic version of one of those glass or plastic juice extractors & pictured what could possibly go down into the annals of Saudi history as "The Expat Housewife Juice Extractor Massacre". I had visions of mutilated fingers, chunks of flesh adorning the kitchen walls & pools of blood the likes of which are really not very common. I had a fag. I said 'fukkit' like a stuck record. I thought I would not let this bloody thing get the better of me. I tried again................................ I read further down the page of the instruction booklet. It informed me that if I attached the metal chopping blade to the centre spindle & set the speed on full for just a minute, I would achieve however much juice I required from sed oranges. I carefully followed the instructions, apart from the bit where I should have put all the fruit in before switching it on. I thought I'd be clever & see how the thing worked with just half a load of oranges. It was perfect, so I smiled, removed the little push down plunger thingy that goes into the bowl & proceeded to 'feed' in the remainder of the quartered oranges. I was hesitant about setting this gadget on full speed, cos even on minimum speed it's bloody fast, but I could see that I had to adjust the speed, so I cranked it up to full. Well mate, there aren't any flies on the wall to describe the picture, because they must've been either beaten to death by globs of partially liquidised orange, or scared to death by the bloody noise! I couldn't get the plunger thingy back in in time, so there were bits of bloody orange & splatters of juice coming out at a very high rate of knots..................and I mean very high rate of knots..............a wild guess would be about 220kmph by the sound of it! I swear I got a faint waft of burning rubber. I could have had an orgasm on the vibrations travelling throughout my body, just by holding the sodding thing in place, cos I promise you, I thought it was gonna take off! By this time I just thought 'bollocks' & fed in the remaining offending fruit. I stopped the machine, poured the contents into a strainer & then realised the jug beneath sed strainer wasn't big enough, as there was a lovely pool of freshly beaten to death orange juice on the worktop. *sigh* I'm going to finish my coffee & then go up to the shop & buy a 500ml carton of fresh orange juice. When I come back, I'm going to wash the kitchen walls & floor. Then I'm going to pack the mixer/mincer/shredder/liquidiser/you name it it does it machine into it's box & forget about it for a long, long time!  
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