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Tuesday, July 04, 2006F.A.Q'sFrequently Asked Questions By WAG's of Rugby Q. My man said the match doesn't kick off until 2:30. Why is he leaving for the pub now when it's only 12 midday? A. He has to get a seat for the "build up", which starts roughly two hours before kick off. The build up involves former players embarrassing themselves with a series of hilarious gaffes, wooden comment and bland observations. He finds this interesting. Also if he leaves early he'll get a good meal into his belly. And finally there won't be any legs in the way of the hoover - a nice bonus there for you. Q. My husband is watching the game at home. He said the match wouldn't kick off until 2:30. It's now 1pm and he's watching a chat show of some sort? A. Again, you are experiencing the build-up first hand. This is the "pre-match discussion", which is rather like a rugby tupperware party. If you look closely you will see former players you may actually recognise because they were once good looking men, but now require a piece of the table to be cut away at dinner time to accommodate them. Q. Also, he seems to be watching rugby from last year! A. This is an essential part of the build-up. Imagine it as rugby's answer to "Previously on Desperate Housewives..." You've seen it all before, but it bears repeated viewing. Q. My boyfriend is at the game and I am trying to get in contact with him. I've called a number of times and am worried about him. I'm getting read receipts but he won't return my texts! I'm worried about him! I've called his friends who are with him and they are not answering either! A. The mobile phone coverage at games is poor due to the mobile masts being overloaded. This is complicated - like electricity and cars and things - and will only confuse you. I'm sure he is trying to call you back but there is no coverage. Don't panic, I'm sure he or the emergency services will call immediately once the game concludes.Q. My husband has returned from the game and now wants to watch the tape of the game he has just been at! Why could he possibly want to do this? A. Have you ever watched your wedding video? But you were there. Why are you watching it again? Q. How long is the rugby going on for? My boyfriend seems to be watching another game now! A. The rugby will be on all day, with one match after another. The media corporations now dictate the schedule and there is nothing the lowly rugby fan can do about this. Most have petitioned to change this, but to no avail. It's a hot topic in rugby right now and we're hopeful the situation will be resolved soon. There might be highlights on later as well. Plus the sports news reports. Q. My husband is going to a game abroad and I was thinking that I might go too and we might go to the local Ikea (I looked it up and it's just around the corner) the morning of the game to get a few things? A. That's a great idea, but unfortunately Ikea always closes the weekend of a rugby international, no matter what the country. It's because eccentric Ikea founder Ingvar Kamprad despises rugby for some reason - this is another issue all rugby fans are keen to see resolved. Q. Who are the team wearing blue? A. That is either Italy or France. You are noticing them because they are tanned and continental, unlike their pasty-legged opponents who are the team your partner is supporting. Do not undermine his confidence by praising the opposition in any way. The person you are looking at most is probably Frederic Michalak (who is so disappointingly short, trust me). Q. Why did that happen / why did he do that / what is the referee saying / how are they able to do that / what score is it now / who is he / did my mother call earlier / when do you want to book that holiday? A. Sssshh! 
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