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Thursday, June 08, 2006GRANDMA'S ON A ROLL!If you happen to see this little grey haired old lady, wandering aimlessly & muttering "bugger it" to herself quite frequently, you can safely assume you've quite innocently run into Grandma! Grandma has been Grandma, ever since Spadge was hatched. Friends & family alike know her as Grandma, estate agents, butchers, farmers, librarians etc. have always known her as simply Grandma. I'm sure she must wonder about her own identity at times...........like 'er....what's my name again?'. Grandma has lived with me & Hubs as part of the family since Grandad died some 16yrs ago. She can't drive (apart from us to distraction sometimes!) & there was no way she could carry on a normal life by herself after Grandads death, so it was just a natural progression to move in with us. We've had a few ups & downs along the way - 2 wimmin in the same house, like lionesses protecting their cubs - but we've always managed to muddle through, one way or another. Last year, she had a heart attack. She had walked the 1km distance from our house to the local supermarket, as she'd done many times before. Shortly after setting off on her waddle home, complete with several shopping bags, she had to stop & rest due to a severe pain. She was immobile for 2hrs. Despite being in a busy shopping area, no one offered her any help. She asked one passer-by for a drink of water, only to be ignored. When she felt sufficiently strong enough to walk again, she trudged home & basically collapsed. We knew nothing about this, because in true Grandma style, she "didn't want to bother anyone". (Picture me wringing her bloody neck!!) When we eventually found out about it, she was already receiving the correct medical attention. She had to go into hospital & have a stent put in one of her arteries. It was a 'bother' to have to go into hospital, just the same as having her eyes tested is a 'bother' to the optician.....she simply feels that all this attention is unnecessary. (See my hands.....getting tighter around her neck?) Grandma has been pretty active all her life. She's now 77yrs of age & is HAVING to take things easy, which is not going down at all well. When we decided to sell our house, it meant that the estate agent would naturally bring potential buyers to have a look. Grandma got on her hands & knees & scrubbed the carpet in the entrance hall.........despite having the phone number for a carpet cleaning service on the family notice board in the kitchen. She had access to our bank account, so there was no 'financial' reason why she couldn't get this guy in. Why bother him? It took her 2 days in bed to recover from that trick. When the estate agent notified her the house would be going on show, she emptied the 'tranquility' pool in the garden because the water was dirty & there were leaves in it. Michael, the gardener, was perfectly capable of cleaning out the pool, but no, (squeeze) she had to do it herself. Guess what? Several days & numerous squirts of an adrenaline type oral spray later, she recovered enough to resume her 'quiet life'. After much discussion, we decided that Grandma was just too much of a danger to leave by herself & the responsibility of 'looking after' the house was just too much for her. We initially decided to sell up everything at home - house, cars everything, but after the recent trip back, we changed things slightly. The Beast (Beemer) is in storage, as is the furniture & the house is to be leased. Grandma travelled back to Abu Dhabi with Hubs & I followed as soon as I'd sorted everything out......an uneviable task, but it had to be done. (More on that in a later blog) In the film 'As Good As It Gets' Jack Nicholson says something along the lines of "if you take away all reason & accountability, you're left with a woman". I swear someone secretly studied Grandma for a couple of days to reach that conclusion! Thank God she's actually funny & after a few toots, is bloody hysterical! I recently opened an email account for her on Yahoo, so that she could email family/friends. I placed her in front of my computer & said to her "just type what you want & I'll do the rest" - simple enough.....yeah right. After 2 hrs of excruciatingly slow typing a letter to my folks, she called me over to ask her what had gone wrong, cos all she had on the page was 'n'..........nothing else, just 'n'. I asked her what she'd done & I got every excuse imaginable about how my computer had destroyed her letter! It wasn't her............it couldn't have been her, cos she "only pressed this & that & the whole bloody lot disappeared!". Course it wasn't you Flowerpot (one of her nicknames).......the computer has got a mind of it's own & it was tired! When Hubs came home from work & asked her how her day had been, she let off a vitriolic stream of abuse about my poor computer wiping out 2hrs of her typing, cos it definitely wasn't her! She said "bugger it" many, many times that day. Yesterday afternoon, I had to nut out to Abu Dhabi Mall. I thought whilst I was out, I'd open a Word document for Grandma & she could try writing a letter again.......at least it would automatically save any information, so it was practically fail safe. She thought this was great & proceeded to bash away to her hearts content. When I came home, I naturally asked "did you finish your letter?".................the conversation went as follows: Grandma; "I don't know what I've done! The screen is just black! I didn't touch anything!!" Me; "Waddaya mean, you didn't touch anything??" Grandma; " I was typing away quite happily & then decided to make myself a cuppa. When I came back, the screen was black - just black - no letter, no pictures, nothing.....so I bloody well left it! Bugger & sod the bloody letter!" Me; "Oy you, git over here & sit down!" (pointing towards the desk & computer......... Grandma sits, like a naughty child............... Me; "Grandma, you see the mouse...........you know what the mouse is" Grandma; "Yes, I see it...I don't like those bloody things...........they go all over the bloody place!" Me; "Grandma, move the mouse..............any direction you want...........just move it OK?" DING DING DING DING LIGHT BULB MOMENT FOR GRANDMA!! Computer monitor springs to life & there's Grandmas letter in all it's glory, word for misspelled word! What did I get? Abuse! "Stupid bloody thing!" Having a screensaver & then energy saver for the monitor equates to a 'bloody stupid thing' to little grey haired old ladies! Just a short while ago, Grandma asks me if Hubs has got 'plenty' of shirts for work? I tell her he has quite a few & naturally ask why she wants to know.......... "Er, well, I burnt the sleeve of his red check shirt!"..... followed by "but its underneath, so it won't show!"............and swiftly followed by "bloody iron! You set it to scorching!" WATCH MY LIPS GRANDMA: ACCOUNTABILITY! She was told to stay away from the ironing, but nope, the minute I'm out the door, she's in the room trying to iron. Result; burnt shirt & it's not underneath either, plus it's set on 'steam' as opposed to scorching, but it's MY fault!! Free to a good home: One Grandma. Gets lost quite happily indoors or out, drinks brandy, smokes Marlboro Lights & says "bugger it" often. Delivery can be arranged!  
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