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Sunday, July 27, 2008THE TRILOGY - Part 2Like several other expats I know, there are a heap of 'not so nice' things about living in Abu Dhabi. Some of the items in my list of 1 - 10 are normal everyday gripes, uttered by many. Some maybe unspoken by others - in which case, I've taken the liberty of saying it for them. So here goes - my 1 -10 list (in no particular order) of the Bad Things about living in Abu Dhabi. Due to the threat of having my 'communication plug' pulled by Itisatwat & my blog replaced with the lovely blue & red 'Access Denied' statement, some descriptions will be minimal. 1. Racism It's rife & that's putting it very bloody mildly. People residing here who automatically label South Africans as racists are nothing short of fucking hypocrites. I would NEVER treat another human being in the despicable manner that I've seen some locals doing here. I am not basing my opinion - and it is MY OPINION - solely on Nationals, although having one shout from his car, at a pedestrian, who was crossing the road (on a pedestrian crossing & when it was permitted to do so) "You fucking white bastard!" whilst wearing an army uniform isn't exactly a good advertisment for your country is it? 2. Greed This is specifically aimed at landlords and/or owners of primarily residential buildings. People are instructed as to where they can live - i.e. families, or bachelors, which automatically makes a voilatile housing market open for abuse. Owners of private villas sub-divide the building, into several 'separate' dwellings, as they know there's a shortage of available housing & they can score hefty rents for minimal space. I have no real objection to this kind of practice, but what I do object to is the callous bastard who rents out his 6 bedroomed villa to 6 different families, knowing full well it is illegal. When caught, the owner of such a villa will plead ignorance, pay a fine & no doubt chuckle all the way to the bank, because he's had 6 desperate families paying whatever it takes to put a roof over their heads. The government very wisely put a cap on the increase in rents, as they were going into a total freefall. But, as in many 'restricted' situations, there are ways of working around the law. It hasn't taken landlords long to figure out ways & means to now slap on hidden costs, because they know they can't increase rents more than the stipulated percentage. I read just recently on another UAE blog that a tenant had been slapped with a Dh3,600 'chiller fee'. The chilling in question was the aircon, which was already included in the rent. Not any more apparently! From personal experience, we recently discovered that the underground parking space, alloted to tenants in the building where we live, has now been taken away. We were not given any notice or warning about it, but were told we could 'buy' it (back) for an additional Dh5,000. We were told our building was under new management, but when I asked who the company was, I was informed it's the same as it has been since we moved in! I have paid for the (same) parking slot via the municipality & it works out Dh2,600 cheaper than 'buying' it from the building management company. Taking into consideration that expats are not allowed to buy property in Abu Dhabi (mainland - not the newly developing islands offshore) it leaves a distinct bitter taste that the rich simply do get a whole heap richer. So, rents are astronomical, but they'll keep on going up because the the landlords/owners of the buildings know they can keep on raking the dosh in via other 'non-specific' means. When they get a slap on the wrist, they find other ways of scoring. They are, in a nutshell, extremely greedy local people. Oh, by the way, for any prospective buyers of new apartments (off plan) - check your contract very carefully, because the latest trick is to include the proportion of floor (common) lobby area into the square footage of what you're buying. 3. Traffic & Bad Drivers. Everyones favourite bitch & moan about the UAE!! The rise in the amount of cars on the road in Abu Dhabi during the past 2yrs alone is incredible. It is a fact; Drivers have a minimal amount of patience. They weave in & out of 3 or 4 lanes of traffic, thinking it will get them to where they want to be much quicker. It doesn't, but they refuse to accept that. Drivers here think absolutely fuck all of driving at speed in a 'fast' lane & then, perhaps 50m before a highway exit or junction, suddenly cut across a minimum of 3 lanes because they 'need' to take that exit. They care not for other vehicles in their path - they HAVE to turn, so screw everybody else. At any given junction, the 'U-turn' only lane is the only one guaranteed to be the slowest. Drivers needing to make a U-turn will creep forward at a pace barely above engine stalling speed & make the actual turn with enough room to get a herd of 20 elephants past. If 5 cars manage to get through before the robots change, it's a newsworthy event. Drivers using highways tend to get in a lane - normally the fast or 'next to fast' - & stay there. They'll plod along, gabbing on their phones/reading the paper/painting their nails & will only look in the rearview mirror when it's time for a hair/make-up/bat in the cave (bogey/booger to the unenlightened) check. It never ceases to amaze me how a driver can ignore signals from traffic travelling behind him. Recent horrific accident cases reported in the media state that speeding was the cause. They speed, they get a fine, they pay, no problem. The only saving grace is the introduction of new laws & the penalty points against your licence. Having said that though, there will undoubtably be many who escape punishment, because they'll utter the words "Do you know who I am???". If it's illegal to have more than a 30% tint on your car windows, how come the businesses that supply & fit the tint are still doing a thriving trade? If new traffic laws are expected to be obeyed by the masses, then enforce them for EVERYONE. The day this happens, I swear, I will get pregnant. (As I was beating my keyboard to death, there was an accident outside - one driver skipped a red light & crashed into a taxi. *sigh*) 4. Laziness A choice example, which affects many is a simple thing like household rubbish. Those living in apartments here will understand when I say that way too many tenants are too fucking lazy to put their rubbish into a proper rubbish chute. They will open the door to the 'waste room' & chuck their rubbish on the floor. The waste rooms in my building contain plastic dustbins & on every floor, as the rubbish chute has been taped up. The means & facility to dispose of rubbish in a clean & tidy manner are available, but no, that takes the effort of opening the chute & physically throwing the rubbish away. God forbid, they can't do that - they've already exerted themselves by opening the door to the waste room! I asked our building maintenance guy why the chutes were taped up & he simply said "people are too lazy to use them - they just put the rubbish on the floor". On a good day (on my floor) the plastic bin houses discarded rubbish from 1-3 other apartments. On a bad day, the idle fuckers that live on this floor simply nudge the door open & chuck their stuff on the floor. Customers buy shoes at a nearby shop & within 5m, the discarded box, packet & old shoes are scattered on the ground. A rubbish bin is available, but it's like way too much effort to use. Polystyrene cups, splattered teabags, empty cans, plastic bags & bottles are simply chucked on the ground. There's a municipal cleaner to pick it all up after you & for you, right? Lazy soddin' bastards. 5. Accountability Ahhh, now there's a thing! I don't like admitting when I'm wrong, but trust me, I'll 'fess up, admit to my mistake & apologise to the person concerned. It's a very different story living here though. Magic Kingdom Mentality* kicks in the nano second the 'Finger of Blame' is pointed. Last year, we had this happen & the incident left a lasting impression, for the simple reason the person at fault refused to accept that he was to blame, until he was basically backed into a corner. On way too many occasions, drivers have attempted to cut my husband's life short whilst riding Eish!, simply because they either didn't look in their rear view mirrors or chose to ignore the sound of his bike, which is very loud & really, not easily ignored. When such instances have been way too close for comfort, Hubs has chased the offending driver & blocked the way, forcing sed driver to stop. It's only been the threat of calling the police that the driver has begrudgingly apologised & admitted he/she did wrong. Why is it the S word is rarely offered here? I'm not ranting specifically about traffic instances - there are other things too. Take Sam's ordeal of trying to get his Internet upgraded! If ever there was a fuck up worthy of pubilcising, it's gotta be that! Another prize example of the lack of accountability is over at Grumpy Goat in his post entitled Procrastinate! Procrastinate!. (The follow up post 'Pythonesque' is pure brilliance!)
*Magic Kingdom Mentality - If we weren't here, it wouldn't happen. Labels: Greedy bastards  
Saturday, July 26, 2008A TRILOGY - THE GOOD, BAD & ANNOYING BITS OF LIVING IN ABU DHABI. Part 1I thought I'd make a couple of lists, 1 - 10 points, about the good, the bad & the downright annoying things about living in the Sandbox. Being in a positive frame of mind (for approximately the next hour or so) I've decided to start with the Good Things. 1. Shawarmas.  I used to buy shawarmas every now & again whilst living in Riyadh (y'know, that city where the tide just never comes in). They always gave me indigestion, so naturally, I'd never buy them without a good supply of Rennies. Here however, no matter where I've bought shawarmas, they have been divine. For the princely sum of Dh15 (about 2 skwid, 4 dorrars or R30) you can buy a shawarma 'plate', which consists of enough arab bread to feed several thousand refugees, a whole heap of tender chicken, an adequate layer of hummus & enough salted pickles to strip the lining of the heartiest of stomachs. Bloody good stuff I tell ya! 2. Neighbourhood Supermarkets. Most apartment buildings house a business (or 2 or 3) on the ground floor, but within the space of 3 apartment buildings, there will be at least one small grocery shop/micro supermarket. The owners of these shops regularly slide their advertising stickers under your door & if you can't be arsed to physically go down to the shop, you simply pick up the phone & ask them to deliver. Having lived in the bush, where I'd have to travel anything up to 7hrs drive away for supplies, this truly is the height of luxury. 3. Illuminated highways. The highway from Abu Dhabi to Dobuy is lit up at night, every step of the way. It's just one example. Main roads & even side streets are well lit, which is a real bonus for car travellers. Take the road from Tarkwa to Takoradi (in Ghana) & you'll see what I mean, cos there's not a sodding overhead light to be seen & the only warning you get from an accident is a few scattered leaves or branches on the road. 4. The Weather I know it's as hot as hell at the moment due to it being the middle of summer, but on the whole, the weather here is pretty good. We have sunshine for around 360 days a year. There might be a couple of months where it's literally too hot to ride the Harley(s) during the daytime, but that doesn't stop us going out at night, when it plummets to 38C. Hubs still rides Eish! to work every day. 5. The 'Green' Effect  The UAE guvment takes pride in the planting of vast forests of palms & trees which grow in this climate. I've heard rumour that the forests, planted by Sheikh Zayed, along the Abu Dhabi - Dobuy highway are going to be ripped up, to make way for even more buildings, which saddens me. Take a drive to Al Ain & feast your eyes on how much care & attention goes into the colourful approach to the town. It starts from about 20km outside of Al Ain & after miles & miles of fuck all - I mean sand dunes - you will see beautifully coloured circles/roudabouts & spashes of bougainvillea. They're a most welcome sight. I really appreciate even local stuff like the Corniche - I care not that it is immaculate & the petunias in winter are colour co-ordinated. 6. Free local phone calls (from a landline). I know there are other cities in the world that have this facility, but I've never lived in one, so to me this is a real pleasure! . 7. Free Hospitals .In Abu Dhabi, we have a huge guvment hospital - Sheikh Khalifa Medical City. It is staffed by various nationalities & their dedication is nothing short of superb. When I called for an ambulance for Grandma, it reached our apartment in under 4 minutes. The SKMC staff take into account where you are from & treatment that you (may) wish to refuse. I cannot praise them enough. We had to pay a small fee for the ambulance call-out. Everything else was free. The UK has the NHS, which is as much use as a handbrake on a canoe, as you're chances of surviving MRSA or a waiting list for treatment are about equal. South African guvmunt hospitals are now a total disgrace, as most supplies such as sheets, blankets & anything that isn't bolted down is stolen & chances are you'll get robbed or come out a damn sight sicker than when you were admitted. UAE guvment hospitals are, in my humble opinion, bloody gems. 8. The price of vehicles & the fuel that runs them.  There is a small import duty (tax) on vehicles imported into the UAE (someone correct me if I'm wrong please!) but on the whole, car prices here are very low, compared to elsewhere in the world. For example, a basic 3ltr Ford Escape will set you back around Dh79000* ($21,500/10,733skwid), a basic model Honda Civic around Dh54,000* ($14,670/7,336skwid) or if you've got issues, a Hummer H2 will cost around Dh210,000* ($57,200/28,532skwid). The cost of petrol is a mere Dh6 per gallon ($1.63/81.5p <--- poor Poms!) so yes all you plebs around the multiverse, you do have a right to utter a few choice obscenities about now.......................... 9. Architecture   We already have some stunning architecture in Abu Dhabi, such as the beautiful Sheikh Zayed bin Sultan Al Nahyan Mosque & the Emirates Palace Hotel. New developments out on Reem Island include 'The Gate'. By the time Reem Island is fully developed, there'll be a whole new city to explore, full of the latest in designer buildings. . 10. Free Bus Service (until the end of the year) . The recent introduction of a desperately needed public bus system has been a blessing, but what's really nice is that from it's introduction at the end of June - up until the end of the year - no fares will be charged. Not all routes are operational yet, but even so, for a large percentage of the population of the city, a passenger can ride from one end of town to the other for free. . . *Prices taken from a UAE auto trader - drivearabia.com P.S. Dubs reminded me of an important 'good' factor about living here - the lack of crime. It's an incredibly safe city to live in & for that, I am very appreciative :-)
Wednesday, July 23, 2008BUGGER, I'VE BEEN CAUGHT OUT!Last night, I had a comment on the post prior to this, from a friend in Canada (A2Z) who guessed correctly. I hastily deleted the comment & wrote a quick explanatory email to her, saying I wanted a few others to guess before revealing the follow up photo!  By lunchtime today, several people had commented that they'd seen the email (with the pics) & knew it was a nipper's bum & it wasn't fair that I delete the comments. (Sorry A2Z!) So to all of you (mainly the men) who were guessing if it was more than a handful - well now y'all know! Thank you to everyone who commented. It was good fun putting the post up :-)
Tuesday, July 22, 2008GUESS No prizes for the winner, but would anyone like to guess the cup size?
Tuesday, July 15, 2008SO, THERE I WAS, THINKING......................... Yesterday, I finally kicked my arse into gear & hauled myself off to the optician. For whatever reason, the frames on my specs seem to take on a mind of their own & they change their fitting without so much of a blink from my baby blue eyes. In the past, I've managed to re-adjust them without much effort, but the last time these frames took on a life of their own, I was tempted to stamp on the bastard things to put both them & me out of our collective misery. No matter how I adjusted them - from slightly one way to radical another way, the fucking things refused point blank to 'adjust' to their original setting. As a result, I've had blinding headaches & aching eyes for the past fortnight, as well as two pothole sized indentations on the bridge of my nose. So I thought bollocks, enough is enough - I couldn't take the discomfort any longer. I ventured out into the Big Sweaty Sandbox & managed to arrive at Marina Mall, without so much as a swear word at another driver. (*Make a mental note, cos that kinda thing doesn't happen very often*) It was only about 43C & the moment I parked up & stepped out of the car, my specs steamed up. It was a tad humid as well y'see. (Heat, sand, humidity - oh wot fun living in the Sandbox can be! Coupled with drivers who learnt to operate their killing machines by means of a Lego set & you're well away!) Sorry, I digress.............. I made my way down to the optician, sussed out a few frames & finally selected a pair. At this point, for any optically involved person who might be reading - in South Africa, if you have really bad eyesight, you are offered a pair of 'demo' contact lenses to wear, whilst you select a pair of frames. Here in the Sandbox, one has to look like a total muppet by putting a pair of clear lense glasses on top of/over ones own glasses, to get an idea as to whether the frames may suit you or not. So in other words, I looked like a right dipstick yesterday, whilst wearing 2 paris of glasses in an attempt to see if the frames suited me. My eyesight is really bad & I can't 'see' what new glasses would look like, so I just chose a pair that vaguely looked like they'd be OK. Shit or bust as they say. An assistant was hovering in the background all the time I was trying on various frames, so having made my choice, I asked him if it was possible to have the lenses from the glasses I was wearing, fitted into the new frames I'd selected? He took them over to the counter, turned 'em every which way he could, measured them, looked at them, looked at me, made 2 little dots on the lenses & declared that yes, the new frames could accommodate my current lenses. I was informed it would take approximately an hour & yes, it could be done right away. Yay gads, what service! I was escorted to a small waiting area, where I plonked myself down on a chair. I couldn't read anything, cos I didn't have glasses. Without them, I can see shapes (in relation to the size of a small elephant) & colours, but not much else. I was effectively blind for a while................................ So, I got to thinking...........................................  Last month, when I went to get blonde hi-lites done at my favourite hairdressing salon (good plug for 'Changes' in the Liwa Centre), 2 stick-insect looking abaya-clad females entered, with a brat & 2 sullen maids in tow. My initial reaction was why they'd chosen to grace this particular salon with their arrogance? They both sported the 'Peacock Strut', which is s'posed to lead innocent wenches - such as myself - to the assumption that they are important. *Thinks to self at the time: you can strut all yer want darlin, you still look like a skank to me'* ......................ahem..........coff........coff. It turned out that above-mentioned abaya-clad stick insects had a 'spray tan' appointment booked & were they miffed when they were informed that they couldn't go in together! The brat started getting impatient & noisy & one of the maids-in-tow sprung into action to keep the little git occupied. *thinks to self - wanna learn how to fly? I can hang you outa the window..........*.......................*thinks again; bugger, it's only on the 1st floor* Moments later, one of the walking adverts for anorexia was ushered in to have her scrawny frame sprayed with fake tan. I was fascinated with this, cos 9 times out of 10, anyone with a hint of colour - as in original, born in that skin colour - goes out of their way to become 'lighter'. Check the sales of beastly skin bleachers like 'Fair & Lovely' - they're phenominal here! Naturally, for fair skinned folk, such as myself, I go the opposite way & enjoy having a bit of a suntan. Roast me on medium/high for an hour on some deserted spot & I'm well away for the next 6mths. Needless to say, it was a curious thing to witness this female wanting to be a shade or 2 darker, as opposed to lighter. Several minutes went by & then a slightly darker shade of female emerged, all giggles & fanning motions with her billowing sleeves & clack clack heels. (strut strut, clack fuckin clack................I coulda decked the bitch, just for being so bloody irritating!) The 2nd female then scuttled off for her treatment. The first thing strutted around, abaya flowing in all directions, in attempt to get noticed I assume. She stopped suddenly. Her eyes focussed on a hairdryer............................. She plonked herself down, opened her abaya, hoisted up her skirt, opened her legs, picked up the hairdryer, pointed it at her crotch & asked my hairstylist: "Can I use this to dry myself?" (Picture if you will, the open mouthed shock/horror/what-the-hell expressions on staff & customers alike!) She was informed in a short, terse manner, that no, she could not use it in the salon. If she wished to 'dry' herself in private, she could use a spare room. This beak-nosed pikey-esque skank was actually rather horrified that her every whim wasn't being granted! So..............................whilst I was sat waiting for my new glasses, I just got to thinking.............................it takes all sorts to make the world go around hey?
Saturday, July 12, 2008KEEP YOURSELVES BUSY...........................I can't be arsed to write much at the moment - been on a bit of a downer but dunno why............................so keep yourselves busy & have a smile, giggle or laugh at some of the stuff friends have sent me recently :-) 9 Things I Hate About Everyone 1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is? 2 People who are willing to get off their arse to search the entire room for the T.V. remote because they refuse to walk to the T.V. and change the channel manually. 3. When people say 'Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too'. Damn right! What good is cake if you can't eat it? 4. When people say 'it's always the last place you look'. Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? 5 .When people say while watching a film 'did you see that?'. No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor. 6. People who ask 'Can I ask you a question?'.... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine? 7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it - DUH! 8. When people say 'life is short'. What the hell?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer? 9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks 'Has the bus come yet?'. If the bus came would I be standing here, dipshit? ************** Cup of Tea One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me. I was maybe 2 1/2 years old and had just recovered from an accident. Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a get-well gift and it was one of my favorite toys. Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home. My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!' My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up. Then she says, (as only a mother would know... :) 'Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?' ***************** Kids Are Quick
And finally...............always leave the best until last :-)
Nominated as best short joke this year:
A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath. 'Mom', he asked, 'Are these my brains?' 'Not yet,' she replied
Thursday, July 03, 2008DIRTY MINDA 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?" No one answered until little Mary stood up, angry, and said, "You should not be asking sixth-graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!" With a sneer on her face, she then sat back down. Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?" Little Mary's mouth fell open; then she said to those around her, "Boy,is she going to get in big trouble!" The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?" Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye. " Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy," then turned to Mary and continued, "As for you, young lady, I have three things to say: One, you have a dirty mind, two, you didn't read your homework, and three, one day you are going to be very, very disappointed!"
Tuesday, July 01, 2008AN ANSWER TO THE PRICE OF FUEL With sincere thanks to Driens for a hearty chuckle over this. Classic Souf Efrican humour :-)
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