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JAYNE WITH A WHY |
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January 2006 . : On My Perch at Night, I'm Reading A Book On My Kindle: .
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Monday, November 23, 2009DEMONS OF STUPIDITY If there's one thing that really pisses on my battery, it's God Botherers. I find them to be incredibly smarmy, patronising, pushy, self-opinionated, narcissistic & downright fucking irritating. On Saturday, a pair of God Botherers managed to con their way into our compound. I saw a shiny black 1 Series Beemer parked by the neighbours spot & assumed they'd got visitors. Next thing I know, the shiny Beemer was parked up alongside ours & there was a loud knock on the front door. I opened up to find two young white men wearing false smiles & fine threads. The greeting was in Afrikaans (Piss Me Off Point No1) so I asked them to please speak English. "Good morning, we're from the Church of Bollocks blahblahblahblahfishpasteblahblah" which was Piss Me off Point No2. "I'm an athiest" I say. "You're an athiest?" they ask & I'm tempted to say "watch my lips" & repeat my declaration. "I've just come home after a few years in the Middle East. I'm still full of Islam thanks" "Is your husband home?" they whine. For crying in a bloody bucket! It's like they have a mission to indoctrinate at least one member per household. They wound his ear off for several minutes, gave him a 'welcome package' & then thankfully buggered off. I checked out the 'welcome package' to find several trees worth of self-proclamation (in Afrikaans) of how wonderful the minister, his wife & HIS church were, plus a DVD, complete with the 'look how handsome I am' picture on the cover. The whole lot went in the bin. Yesterday, Hubs got a phone call from the God Botherers,("did you watch my DVD?") asking for a meeting, so that they could 'work on his commitment'. In the real world, the commitment this git is after is a financial one, because who else is going to fund his designer clothes, shoes, shiny 1 Series Beemer & narcissistic DVD. Hubs politely told the oke that he was busy & hung up. Hubs has his beliefs - his own personal religious beliefs - and he is quite happy keeping them to himself. I'm no fan of religion in any way, shape or form. If I believe in anything, it'll be in the form of Mother Nature, but essentially, it is MY belief & it doesn't concern anyone else. I truly despise these God Botherers. They thrive on sucking victims into their self-proclaimed churches & grow on the wealth of people who can ill-afford to sponsor their flamboyant lifestyles. Now that the bastards know this housing complex exists, I can virtually guarantee we'll be getting more of these loathsome sycophants. I won't be so polite the next time they knock on my door. Labels: God Botherers target Ellisras  
Tuesday, November 17, 2009LEARNING THE LINGONow that I'm home & have my few international readers (whom I really appreciate!) I thought perhaps I'd offer a few quick tips on understanding English, as spoken by Saffies. *Braai** *What is a braai? It is the first thing you will be invited to when you visit South Africa . A braai is a backyard barbecue and it will take place whatever the weather. (So you will have to go even if it's raining like mad.) At a braai you will be introduced to a substance known as mieliepap. *Ag** *This one of the most useful South African words. Pronounced like the "ach" in the German "achtung", it can be used to start a reply when you are asked a tricky question, as in: "Ag, I don't know." Or a sense of resignation:"Ag OK, I'll have some more mieliepap then." It can stand alone too as a signal of irritation. *Donner** *A rude word, it comes from the Afrikaans "donder" (thunder). Pronounced "dorner", it means "beat up." A team member in your rugby team can get donnered in a game, or your wife can donner you if you come back from a braai at three in the morning. *Eina** *Widely used by all language groups, this word, derived from the Afrikaans, means "ouch." Pronounced "aynah". You can say it in sympathy when you see your friend the day after he got donnered by his wife. *Hey** *Often used at the end of a sentence to emphasize the importance of what has just been said, as in "You're only going to get donnered if you come in late again, hey?" It can also stand alone as a question. Instead of saying "excuse me?" or "pardon me?" when you have not heard something directed at you, you can always say: "Hey?" *Izit?** *This is another great word to use in conversations. Derived from the two words "is" and "it", it can be used when you have nothing to contribute if someone tells you something at a braai. For instance, *if someone would say: "The Russians will succeed in their bid for capitalism once they adopt a work ethic and respect for private ownership." It is quite appropriate to respond by saying: "Izit?" *Ja well no fine** This is another conversation fallback. Derived from the four words: "yes", "well", "no" and fine", it roughly means "OK". If your bank manager tells you your account is overdrawn, you can, with confidence, say: "Jawelnofine." *Klap** *Pronounced "klup" - an Afrikaans word meaning smack, whack or spank. If you spend too much time in front of the TV during exam time, you could end up getting a "klap" from your mother. In America , that is called child abuse. In South Africa , it is called promoting education. But to get "lekker geklap" is to get motherlessly drunk. *Lekker** *An Afrikaans word meaning nice, this word is used by all language groups to express approval. If you enjoyed a braai thoroughly, you can say: "Now that was lekk-errrrrrr!" while drawing out the last syllable. *Tackies** *These are sneakers or running shoes. The word is also used to describe automobile or truck tyres. "Fat tackies" are really wide tyres, as in: "You've got lekker fat tackies on your Vôlla, hey?" *Dop** *This word has two basic meanings, one good and one bad. First the good: A dop is a drink, a cocktail, a sundowner, a noggin. When invited for a dop, be careful! It could be one sedate drink or a blast, depending on the company. Now the bad: To dop is to fail. If you "dopped" standard two (Grade 4) more than once, you probably won't be reading this. *Saamie** *This is a sandwich. For generations, school- children have traded "saamies" during lunch breaks. In South Africa you don't send your kid to school with liver-polony saamies. They are impossible to trade. *Bakkie** *This word is pronounced "bucky" and can refer to a small truck or pick-up. If a young man takes his "girl" (date) in a bakkie it could be considered as a not so "lekker" form of transport because the seats can't recline. *Howzit** *This is a universal South African greeting, and you will hear this word throughout the country. It is often accompanied with the word "Yes!" as in: "Yes, howzit?". In which case you answer "No, fine." *Now now** *In much of the outside world, this is a comforting phrase: "Now now, it's really not so bad." But in South Africa , this phrase is used in the following manner: "Just wait, I'll be there now now." It means "a little after now". *Tune grief** *To be tuned grief is to be aggravated, harassed. For example, if you argue with somebody about a rugby game at a braai and the person had too much dop (is a little "geklap"), he might easily get aggravated and say.: "You're tuning me grief, hey!". To continue the argument after this could be unwise and result in major tuning of grief.. *Boet** *This is an Afrikaans word meaning "brother" which is shared by all language groups. Pronounced "boot" but shorter, as in "foot", it can be applied to a brother or any person of the male sex. For instance a father can call his son "boet" and friends can apply the term to each other too. Sometimes the diminutive "boetie" is used. But don't use it on someone you hardly know - it will be thought patronizing and could lead to you getting a "lekker klap". *Pasop** *From the Afrikaans phrase meaning "Watch Out!", this warning is used and heeded by all language groups. As in: "The boss hasn't had his coffee yet - so you better pasop boet" Sometimes just the word "pasop!" is enough without further explanation. Everyone knows it sets out a line in the sand not to be crossed. *Skop, Skiet en donner** *Literally "kick, shoot and thunder", this phrase is used by many South African speakers to describe action movies. A Clint Eastwood movie is always a good choice if you're in the mood for of a lekker skop, skiet en donner flick. *Vrot** *Pronounced - "frot". A expressive word which means "rotten" or "putrid" in Afrikaans, it is used by all language groups to describe anything they really dislike. Most commonly intended to describe fruit or vegetables whose shelf lives have long expired, but a pair of old tackies (sneakers) worn a few years too long can be termed "vrot" by some unfortunate folk which find themselves in the same vicinity as the wearer. Also a rugby player who misses important kicks or tackles can be said to have played a vrot game - opposite to a "lekker" game (but not to his face). A movie was once reviewed with this headline: "Slick Flick, Vrot Plot." *Rock up** *To rock up is to just, sort of arrive (called "gate crash" in other parts of the world). You don't make an appointment or tell anyone you are coming - you just rock up. Friends can do that but you have to be selective about it. For example, you can't just rock up for a job interview. *Scale** *To scale something is to steal it. A person who is "scaly" has a doubtful character, is possibly a scumbag, and should rather be left off the invitation list to your next braai. *Ja-nee** *"Yes No" in English. Politics in South Africa has always been associated with family arguments and in some cases even with physical fights. It is believed that this expression originated with a family member who didn't want to get a klap or get donnerred, so he just every now and then muttered "ja-nee". Use it when you are required to respond, but would rather not choose to agree or disagree. Hopefully these words & their explanations will paint a picture of the colourful life which folks lead in Souf Efrika.
Saturday, November 14, 2009I USED TO BE INDECISIVE BUT NOW I'M NOT SO SURESince moving back to my home country, I've toyed with the idea of starting another blog. I searched through hundreds of templates & found one I really smaak*, so I've done a 'practice' post. It needs tweaking in a few places & a blogging mate from my days in the Sandpit has said he'll have a look at what can be done for me. But............. I'm not sure if another blog is the way to go? Do I just change my template & carry on with my usual bollocks? I asked Hubs for his opinion & he reckons I don't need another blog, cos I'm slacking on this one! (guilty as charged) So for regular readers of my drivel, I'd like your honest opinion please. Chuck your tuppence worth in & I shall take your words under advisement - but don't ask me to throw myself under a bus, cos there ain't any here :-) The 'trial' post can be seen here: http://lifeinlephalale.blogspot.com/ *smaak = like
Tuesday, November 10, 2009JUST A BIKERI saw you hug your purse closer to you in the grocery store line. But you didn't see me put an extra $10.00 in the collection plate last Sunday.  I saw you pull your child closer when we passed each other on the sidewalk. But you didn't see me playing Santa at the local Mall.  I saw you change your mind about going into the restaurant when you saw my bike parked out front. But you didn't see me attending a meeting to raise more money for the hurricane relief. I saw you roll up your window and shake your head when I rode by. But you didn't see me riding behind you when you flicked your cigarette butt out the car window.  I saw you frown at me when I smiled at your children. But you didn't see me, when I took time off from work to run toys to the homeless.  I saw you roll your eyes at our Leather jackets and gloves. But you didn't see me and my brothers donate our old ones to those that had none. 
 I saw you look in fright at my tattoos. But you didn't see me cry as my children were born or have their name written over and in my heart. 
I saw you race down the road in the rain. But you didn't see me get soaked to the skin so my son could have the car to go on his date. I saw you run the yellow light just to save a few minutes of time. But you didn't see me trying to turn right. I saw you cut me off because you needed to be in the lane I was in. But you didn't see me leave the road. I saw you, waiting impatiently for my friends to pass. But you didn't see me. I wasn't there. I saw you go home to your family.. But you didn't see me. Because I died that day you cut me off.
But you didn't see me.
Repost this around in hopes that people will understand the biker community...If you don't repost this, it sucks to be you. I hope you never lose someone that rides.
EVEN IF YOU DON'T LIKE US, RESPECT OUR RIGHTS TO RIDE WHAT WE CHOOSE AND TAKE A FEW EXTRA SECONDS TO BE SURE WE ARE NOT IN 'YOUR' WAY
When it comes to me riding Ruby (when.......dear gawd WHEN she arrives!) I swear that the first person who tries to kill me because he/she wasn't paying attention, will know what it's like to feel the wrath of yours truly. 
Sunday, November 08, 2009HIGH, LOW & STUFFED IF I KNOW............... I've had quite a week. I'm thinking it's not one I want to repeat in a hurry either. The trip to the Kruger National Park was all that we hoped it would be, apart from the French family who were staying in a neighbouring rondavel......................jaysus they made such a bloody racket there's no wondering we never saw certain animals. Anything within earshot of that lot would've fucked off well into the bush. We did however see lion - in the distance I admit - but we saw them - plus a huge herd of buffalo, heaps of giraffe, zebra, elephant, kudu, jackal, fish eagles, warthogs etc etc - you get the picture neh? And talking of pictures, I haven't had chance to download anything from my camera yet, sorry. If there's anything worthwhile, I'll load them up in the near future. Instead of coming back to the Last Khaki Outpost on the same road as we took to get to the Park, we decided to drive from Letaba, right up to Punda Maria, near the very top of the Park. All in all it took us around 8hrs driving to get home, but it was well worth it. We went on long game spotting drives, we chilled, we played Texas Hold'em, we talked, we read & we bought goodies for Chikkin, our granddaughter :-) .Then we had to come back. .Fukkit. .. Monday was a blur of unpacking, housework & other bollocks associated with getting away from it all for a few days. . Tuesday - got through on Skype to Dubs (my mum). Had a chat with her for a while, then Pup (me dad) came on. He asked me if I was sitting down - which I was - as he had something to tell me. The following few minutes were spent on him telling me that he & Dubs had sold their house, sold their furniture, sold his bakkie etc etc etfuckingcetera & they were going back to England, to live with my brother. This, after 35yrs of living in South Africa. . I threw my toys so fucking far that I think they're still in mid-air. I shouted. I swore. I cried.....................correction - I let out several heartbreaking sobs. The only sound in my house that afternoon was of my parents crying, trying to console me...............................trying to justify their actions. I calmed down enough to say I understood, but I didn't. . . Wednesday. I was a wreck. I spoke to Dubs & Pup again, but after a few minutes, I ended up spitting my dummy, shouted at them & then hung up. . . Thursday. Kept myself busy the whole day, sorted out the much needed sorting out spare bedroom & got Mikey's room ready for his visit in a coupla weeks. Opted not to have another emotionally draining talk with my parents. Took time out to think. Fukkit, my head was spinning. . . Friday. Sent Dubs an SMS & said I'd finished my tantrums & if they wanted to, would chat with them on Skype later that day. Got a positive response. Went to town, finally bought a table to put the computers on. Arranged for delivery Saturday morning. Bought a bookcase, bedside table & small stand for the printer. For once, I had a pretty good shopping experience in town. Had a sensible chat with the folks. Sorted out what they wanted me to have from their house. Talked about their plans. Felt guilty for being such a bitch of a daughter, when they love me unconditionally. . . Saturday. Fucking micro-convection oven died on me. It's not even 3mths old. Fucking door wouldn't open & then the plug tripped at the mains box. Bollocks. Now gotta take the bloody thing all the way back to Joburg, because the fucking fossils that live in the Last khaki Outpost didn't know a micro-convection oven from a space rocket, which meant I had to buy it in Joburg. I waited all bloody morning for the delivery of the new table, but by just after 12.30pm it hadn't arrived. I didn't have the phone number of the store where I bought it, so ended up having to SMS my friend Drienie in Joburg, for the number of Directory Enquiries, because I didn't even know that! Christ I'm hopeless. Eventually get the phone number for the store & called them. I explained that I was waiting for a delivery & seeing as their store would be closing within about 20 minutes, would like to know if I was going to actually get the delivery. I got "Eh, eh meddem, just spik to the manager" & I was swiftly transplanted*. I repeated my tale of woe to the alleged manager & the conversation then took a turn for the worse, when the obviously mentally challenged female that held the title of 'manager' asked me if I bought the table from her shop. I wanted to shout all manner of obscenities at her, but chose to be sarcastic instead & merely said no, I'd bought it from one of their competitor stores, which was why I was ringing her to find out where it was. For crying in a fucking bucket - really! 1pm (closing time for the majority of businesses here) came & went, so I thought that was that & I wouldn't get my table. A bit later, I got a call from a salesperson at the store, saying she would personally deliver my table. Fast forward >>>>>>>>>>> I got another call from the same lady saying she couldn't fit the table in her car but would organise for a delivery truck to bring it later in the afternoon. Just before ending her call, she asked me in a rather hesitant manner, if I'd sworn at her manager, because sed manager told her the table HAD to be delivered as the customer was very upset, had sworn & was rude. I think Hubs saw the hair on the back of my neck stand on edge. I informed the saleslady that I did NOT swear but that I was sarcastic & she should inform her manager that if she didn't know the difference, then perhaps she should go back to school! . Saturday afternoon, Hubs & myself did some rearranging in the living room. The desktop computers are now organised on the new table & my dining room table is now being used for its original purpose. . *sigh* . Sunday - today. Hubs has spent several hours trying to resolve a problem with my (desktop) computer. I vacuumed the Beemer, polished inside, then washed the outside. She's all clean & shiny, so I decided to treat Hubs & washed Eish! (his bike) with the pressure spray, so she too is all blingy now. Hubs cooked fajitas this evening, so right now, my tummy's full, I'm tired & ready for my perch. . . So, a high of the past week was precious time in the bush. The low was the drama with Dubs & Pup & the stuffed if I know award goes to the alleged manager of a local (national) furniture store. . . Please, someone, just tell me it gets better.......................................... . . . . * It's a commonly used 'joke' used by English speakers, when refering to people whose telephonic skills are severely hampered. Labels: alleged manager of national furniture store seriously needs to catch a wake up., Dubs and Pup, dummy spitting, Eish, Kruger National Park
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