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JAYNE WITH A WHY |
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January 2006 . : On My Perch at Night, I'm Reading A Book On My Kindle: .
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Friday, November 30, 2007OH THE FAME!! (BUT WHERE'S THE FORTUNE?) Hot off the press this morning: Easy Riders of Abu Dhabi The Gulf News came & did a few interviews with HOG members shortly before we left for Muscat & the result was published in todays' paper. So much fame - but where's the sodding fortune? *sigh*  
A very rare thing happened this week. Some five days after The Event, I'm still feeling a tad stunned! Instead of taking the car out of it's highly prized parking spot*, I decided to catch a taxi. I needed to go to Abu Dhabi Mall & then to the Harley shop, to collect our luggage, from the trip to Muscat. I managed to get a taxi to the mall within 2 minutes of standing just outside our apartment block. "Abu Dhabi Mall please" I tell the driver. "." grunts the driver...........which could be translated into anything in any language. He was sat so low in his seat I'm surprised he could see above the steering wheel! I go to the mall, conduct my business, which concluded with me having a major stress-on at the ignorant FHW**-with-attitude in a particular financial institution. I head out to the taxi rank, outside the entrance to the mall & join the queue. I said a silent prayer: Please let me be lucky enough to get one of the all-new-bright-and-shiny taxis! The queue moved along & I missed a new taxi, thanks to the customer in front of me, grrrrr. Next taxi is one of the old ones, circa 1990 or thereabouts. It's tatty. It's smelly, like only these taxis can be.  I slide in the back seat & make another silent wish: Please, please understand where I need to go! My driver looks like a veteran of several Taliban skirmishes. He's an Afghan & I can picture him as one of the characters out of Frederick Forsyth's latest book. Blinding!  (For illustrative purposes only. I copied this pic off a news site. This bloke was marrying a 12yr old or some such thing, but he looked a bit like the driver I had.) "You know Harley Davidson?" I ask "?" he replies, puzzled. "Harley Davidson................Al Falah street?" "Corniche?" he asks. Patience I mutter, just be patient. (Harley is nowhere near the sodding Corniche.) "OK, you know Al Salaam street?" I ask. "Yes!" "OK, corner..............Salaam & Falah please!" Off we go. As we pull up outside the Harley dealer, I ask - in my best pidgin English - "You wait please.......just 2 minutes. I collect bag. Yes?" & imitate holding a suitcase. I whizz into the shop, collect a suitcase & rucksack & head out to the taxi again. SHOCK Number 1 My friendly Taliban-looking driver got out of his taxi, opened the boot & put my bags in for me! In the past two & a half years in Abu Dhabi, no other taxi driver has done that for me! I got back into the taxi & tell him where I need to go - i.e. home. He pointed to the meter & informed me my fare so far was 4 dirhams. SHOCK Number 2 Not only did my friendly Taliban-looking taxi driver pull into the small car park at our building, but he got out, took my bags from the boot & placed them on the pavement! I was shocked, stunned & not a little amazed, I can tell you! This kind of service does not happen very often, trust me. The old saying of 'never trust a book by its cover' is so very true. I naturally assumed that this driver was going to be a miserable git, who chewed on his lung butter before gobbing it out of the window. How wrong I was! I thanked him in 3 different languages & gave him a well deserved huge tip. He really was an exception to the rule. *Other patrons of the underground carpark (where we have an allocated bay) try everything within their means to get the bay closest to the stairwell out & up into the street, which we nabbed months ago. If either Hubs or myself use the 4 x 4, then the Harley is parked across the bay, thereby blocking the space for any wannabe poachers. It pisses on people's batteries. Check the worry in my eyes. ** FHW - F*cking Head Wobbler.
Thursday, November 29, 2007THE LITTLE GREY HAIRED OLD LADY BOUNCES BACK!Today, I've spent much of my time catching up on emails to friends & family. As is my way, I had my head down & was bashing the living daylights out of the keyboard & was in a complete dwaal (daydream). I never heard Grandma surface from her pit. Normally I do, but today, I didn't. Next thing I know, the LGHOL is standing next to me, all good 'n clean ' fresh tra-la-la, asking if I'd like a cuppee tea! For the first time in weeks, she got dressed in 'normal' clothes. She had a little walk 2 days ago & again today & despite being a tad knackered, is feeling more like her 'old' self.  Now ain't she looking sweet?
Tuesday, November 27, 2007SCOTTISH HUMOURDear Sir/Madam/automated telephone answering service, Having spent the past twenty minutes waiting for someone at Leith police station to pick up a telephone, I have decided to abandon the idea and try e-mailing you instead. Perhaps you would be so kind as to pass this message on to your colleagues in Leith by means of smoke signal, carrier pigeon or ouji board. As I'm writing this e-mail there are eleven failed medical experiments (I think you call them youths) in West Cromwell Street which is just off Commercial Street in Leith. Six of them seem happy enough to play a game which involves kicking a football against an iron gate with the force of a meteorite. This causes an earth shattering CLANG! which rings throughout the entire building. This game is now in it's third week and as I am unsure how the scoring system works, I have no idea if it will end any time soon. The remaining five walking abortions are happily rummaging through several bags of rubbish and items of furniture that someone has so thoughtfully dumped beside the wheelie bins. One of them has found a saw and is setting about a discarded chair like a beaver on speed. I fear that it's only a matter of time before they turn their limited attention to the bottle of calor gas that is lying on it's side between the two bins. If they could be relied on to only blow their own arms and legs off then I would happily leave them to it. I would even go so far as to lend them the matches. Unfortunately they are far more likely to blow up half the street with them and I've just finished decorating the kitchen. What I suggest is this: after replying to this e-mail with worthless assurances that the matter is being looked into and will be dealt with, why not leave it until the one night of the year (probably bath night) when there are no mutants around then drive up the street in a panda car before doing a three point turn and disappearing again. This will of course serve no other purpose than to remind us what policemen actually look like. I trust that when I take a clawhammer to the skull of one of these throwbacks you'll do me the same courtesy of giving me a four month head start before coming to arrest me. I remain sir, your obedient servant Mr A. Nonymous ***************************************************** Mr A. Nonymous , I have read your e-mail and understand you frustration at the problems caused by youth playing in the area and the problems you have encountered in trying to contact the police. As the Community Beat Officer for your street I would like to extend an offer of discussing the matter fully with you. Should you wish to discuss the matter, please provide contact details (address / telephone number) and when may be suitable. Regards PC Soddoff Community Beat Officer ***************************************************** Dear PC Soddoff, First of all I would like to thank you for the speedy response to my original e-mail. 16 hours and 38 minutes must be a personal record for Leith Police station and rest assured that I will forward these details to Norris McWhirter for inclusion in his next book. Secondly I was delighted to hear that our street has it's own community beat officer. May I be the first to congratulate you on your covert skills. In the five or so years I have lived in West Cromwell Street , I have never seen you. Do you hide up a tree or have you gone deep undercover and infiltrated the gang itself? Are you the one with the acne and the moustache on his forehead or the one with a chin like a wash hand basin? It's surely only a matter of time before you are headhunted by MI5. Whilst I realise that there may be far more serious crimes taking place in Leith such as smoking in a public place or being Muslim without due care and attention, is it too much to ask for a policeman to explain (using words of no more than two syllables at a time) to these twats that they might want to play their strange football game elsewhere. The pitch behind the Citadel or the one at DKs are both within spitting distance as is the bottom of the Albert Dock. Should you wish to discuss these matters further you should feel free to contact me on 987-6543. If after 25 minutes I have still failed to answer, I'll buy you a large one in the Compass Bar. Regards Mr A. Nonymous P.S If you think that this is sarcasm, think yourself lucky that you don't work for the cleansing department. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ COMMONWEALTH GAMES As you may know, the East End of Glasgow will be hosting the Commonwealth Games in 2014. What you may not know, is that many aspects of the games have been especially altered to embrace the culture of the area. A copy of these changes has been leaked and is reproduced below. OPENING CEREMONY The flame will be ignited by a petrol bomb thrown by a native of the city. The flame will be contained in a large, overturned police van situated on the roof of the stadium. THE EVENTS In previous Commonwealth games Glaswegian competitors have not been particularly successful. In order to redress the balance some of the events have been altered slightly to the advantage of local athletes. 100 Metres Sprint - Competitors will have to hold a DVD player and microwave oven (one under each arm) and on the sound of the starting pistol a police dog will be released from a cage 10 yards behind the athletes. 110 Metres hurdles - As above, but with added obstacles (car bonnets, hedges, garden fences, walls, etc). Hammer - Competitors may choose the type of hammer they wish to use (claw, sledge, etc). The winner will be the one who can cause the most physical damage within three attempts. Fencing - Entrants will be asked to dispose of as many stolen goods as possible in 5 minutes. Shooting - A strong challenge is expected from local men in this event. The first target will be a moving police van. In the second round competitors will aim at a Securicor officer. The traditional .22 rifle has been replaced in this event by a choice of either a Browning automatic pistol, or a sawn-off 12 bore shotgun. Boxing - Entry to the boxing event will be restricted to husband and wife teams and will take place on a Friday night. The husband will be given 15 pints of Stella, while the wife will be told not to make him any tea when he gets home. The bout will then commence. Cycling Time Trials - Competitors will be asked to break in to the University bike shed and take an expensive mountain bike owned by some mummy's boy on his first trip away from home, all against the clock. Cycling pursuit - As above, but the bike will be owned by a visiting member of the Fiji rugby sevens team, who will witness the theft. Modern Pentathlon - Amended to include mugging, breaking and entering, flashing, joyriding and arson. Swimming Events - All waterways are currently being tested for toxicity levels. Once one is found that can support human life, swimming events will be organised. Please note that the synchronised swimming event for this year will comprise of dropping acid and watching all the funky ripples on the pool. The Marathon - A safe route has yet to be found. Men's 50km Walk - Unfortunately, this event will have to be cancelled as the police cannot guarantee the safety of anyone walking the streets of Dalmarnock, especially anyone who appears to be mincing. THE CLOSING CEREMONY - Entertainment will include formation rave dancing by members of Calton Health in the Community anti-drug campaign, synchronised rock throwing and music by The Bridgeton Community Choir. The flame will be extinguished by riot police water cannon following the inevitable pitch invasion by confused Celtic supporters. The stadium itself will then be boarded up before the local athletes break in and remove all the copper piping and the central heating boiler. To guarantee the entry of any athletes from the local area at all, drug testing has been waived for the duration of the games.
Monday, November 26, 2007NUMB ARSE IN MUSCAT Hmmmmm...........another visa, another passport stamp, another country - all of which culminated in an extremely numb arse. Was it worth it? 600km (each way) riding pillion? Worth it? Without a doubt: Yes! Hubs, myself & a heap of guys from the Abu Dhabi H.O.G Chapter hit the road early Wednesday morning, for the 8th Middle East H.O.G Rally in Muscat, Oman. The last time I went on a bike rally, was well.............hundreds of years ago & in another lifetime. I'm s'posed to be all growed up now y'know, being a grandma & all, but that doesn't mean I can't feel like a young 'un again right? (Yeah right, tell that to my aching muscles & arthritic knees after gawd knows how many hours riding pillion!) We all arrived in Muscat without incident, despite the f*ckwit car drivers in both the UAE & Oman, who simply HAD to cut across 3 lanes of traffic & through our 20 bike convoy, to get to an exit that they KNEW they had to take at least 500m back. What would the Middle East be like without it's idiotic drivers I wonder?* All I can say is that someone, somewhere was watching over us, as we made the trip to & from Muscat without anyone coming a cropper! We checked into a prebooked hotel, which was recommended to us (as a group) by someone who had a vivid imagination. The room assigned to Hubs & I was nothing short of mingy - there was some really dodgy electrical wiring, the bed was distinctly grubby (yuk) & the bathroom offered several missing ceiling tiles but no hot water - amongst other things. Hubs bitched so much we were moved to a 2 bedroom 'suite' at no extra charge.  For future reference, I'd rather stay in a pikey camp than pay $165 per night in the Beach Hotel, Muscat. We weren't gonna let a shite hotel dampen our spirits though - we were there to ride, to compete, to meet a whole heap of other bikers, to check out the city of Muscat & to ENJOY!!! There were Harleys wherever we looked - standard Harleys, customised Harleys, personalised Harleys & the odd silly Harley, but each & every one of them was special in its own way. HOG members came in from Saudi Arabia, Kuwait, Dubai, Abu Dhabi, Qatar & Bahrain, plus members from all over Oman, the host country.     Road trip into the mountains - taking in amazing scenery & stop for liquid refreshments. There were some pretty good paint jobs on display.      
   
Saturday, November 17, 2007NOT AN EASY DECISION This picture represents Grandma's future. Above, there are two sample containers, holding slides of the biopises taken during her recent surgery. There is a slide (sliver) of the tumour removed from her colon & another, of the lypmph nodes which were also removed. Both - we know & she knows - were tested & found to be malignant.Grandma had her final stitches out a few days ago. She looks good & feels much better. Her sugeon recommended that she see an oncologist at Al Mafraq hospital. She asked me "why?" & "what for?". I explained in what I thought was the easiest terms, that the oncologist needed to look at the slides of the biopsies, as he would be able to tell if the cancer was contained or not. If it was contained, then it would be really pukka & she could treat herself to a large Klippies*. If it wasn't contained however, then further treatment would be necessary, probably in the form of chemotherapy. Both Hubs & myself explained the entire situation to her numerous times. Since the last operation, we've both found that she's become increasingly forgetful, so it was essential to us that she fully understood what was happening. This wasn't about a cup of tea she forgot to make ot a TV programme she forgot to watch. This was about her life. We explained, time & again, over a couple of days. She fully understands. Her decision..................... "Dr Khalid told me he'd taken everything out & I trust him. I don't need to go seeing another doctor. That's my decision. I'm not going." I tried again, to explain that there's a possibility there is more cancer, which the oncologist could pick up or identify. "If there's anymore, I'll know about it if it flares up. So, we'll leave it like that, right? Sorted!" We've gone through the "yes but you won't know one way or the other if you don't see the oncologist" conversations numerous times, but this Little Grey Haired Old Lady has made her mind up, so that's that. She's opted for what she thinks is best. It's her life. Who are we to argue? *South African Brandy
Wednesday, November 14, 2007SOME CREATIVE POETRYTHESE ARE ENTRIES TO A WASHINGTON POST COMPETITION ASKING FOR A TWO-LINE RHYME WITH THE MOST ROMANTIC FIRST LINE, BUT THE LEAST ROMANTIC SECOND LINE: My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife: Marrying you screwed up my life. I see your face when I am dreaming That's why I always wake up screaming. Kind, intelligent, loving and hot; This describes everything you are not. Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss, But I only slept with you because I was pissed. I thought that I could love no other -- that is until I met your brother. Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you. But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head. I want to feel your sweet embrace; But don't take that paper bag off your face. I love your smile, your face, and your eyes ....... Damn, I'm good at telling lies! My love, you take my breath away. What have you stepped in to smell this way My feelings for you no words can tell, Except for maybe "Go to hell." What inspired this amorous rhyme? Two parts vodka, one part lime. C'mon then folks, how about adding to the list? Sincere thanks to Janet, for all the funnies you keep sending me :-))
60 Things Not To Say To A Naked Guy 1. I've smoked fatter joints than that. 2. Ahh, it's cute. 3. Who circumcised you? 4. Why don't we just cuddle? 5. You know they have surgery to fix that. 6. It's more fun to look at. 7. Make it dance. 8. You know, there's a tower in Italy like that. 9. Can I paint a smiley face on that? 10. It looks like a night crawler. 11. Wow, and your feet are so big. 12. My last boyfriend was 4'' bigger. 13. It's ok, we'll work around it. 14. Is this a mild or a spicy Slim Jim? 15. Eww, there's an inch worm on your thigh. 16. Will it squeak if I squeeze it? 17. Oh no, a flash headache. 18. (giggle and point) 19. Can I be honest with you? 20. My 8-year-old brother has one like that. 21. Let me go get my tweezers. 22. How sweet, you brought incense. 23. This explains your car. 24. You must be a growing boy. 25. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow. 26. Thanks, I needed a toothpick. 27. Are you one of those pygmies? 28. Have you ever thought of working in a sideshow? 29. Every heard of clearasil? 30. All right, a treasure hunt! 31. I didn't know they came that small. 32. Why is God punishing you? 33. At least this won't take long. 34. I never saw one like that before. 35. What do you call this? 36. But it still works, right? 37. Damn, I hate baby-sitting. 38. It looks so unused. 39. Do you take steroids? 40. I hear excessive masturbation shrinks it. 41. Maybe it looks better in natural light. 42. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes? 43. Oh, I didn't know you were in an accident. 44. Did you date Lorena Bobbitt? 45. Aww, it's hiding. 46. Are you cold? 47. If you get me real drunk first. 48. Is that an optical illusion? 49. What is that? 50. I'll go get the ketchup for your french fry. 51. Were you neutered? 52. It's a good thing you have so many other talents. 53. Does it come with an air pump? 54. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality. 55. Where are the puppet strings? 56. Your big gun is more like a BB gun. 57. Look, it fits my Barbie clothes. 58. Never mind, why bother. 59. Is that a second belly button? 60. Where's the rest of it? I wonder how many men will have smart-arse replies? hehehehe
Monday, November 12, 2007THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY.............Things that are difficult to say when you're drunk... a) Innovative b) Preliminary c) Proliferation d) Cinnamon Things that are VERY difficult to say when you're drunk... a) Specificity b) British Constitution c) Passive-aggressive disorder d) Transubstantiate Things that are ABSOLUTELY IMPOSSIBLE to say when you're drunk... a) Thanks, but I don't want to sleep with you. b) Nope, no more booze for me. c) Sorry, but you're not really my type. d) No kebab for me, thank you. e) Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight? f) I'm not interested in fighting you. g) Oh, I just couldn't - no one wants to hear me sing. h) Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no co-ordination. I'd hate to look like a fool. i) Where is the nearest toilet? I refuse to vomit in the street. j) I must be going home now as I have work in the morning.
Sunday, November 11, 2007TOY RUNOn Friday, Hubs & myself gave up our usual weekend time on the perch, to join heaps of other bikers on the Toy Run. It's an annual event & bikers from Dubai & Abu Dhabi each take a toy, which they give to sick children at Sheikh Khalifa Medical City.
 Unfortunately, two good mates couldn't make the run. Jim was rushed into hospital earlier in the week, with pancreatitis. He was 'touch & go' for almost 2 days, but we're all really pleased to find out that he's now over the worst & is on the slow road to recovery. All the guys from the Harley Owners Group, Abu Dhabi, wish you well Jim & look forward to your return to biking. Jim & Jo 
Hubs has almost finished customising his Harley. The latest bits to be added were a set of Porker exhaust pipes. Very stylish, even if I say so myself!   It's looking very blingy nowadays!
*click on pics for larger image
Q: How many women with MENOPAUSE does it take to change a light bulb? Woman's Answer: One! ONLY ONE!!!! And do you know WHY? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb! They don't even know that the bulb is BURNED OUT!! They would sit in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it out. And, once they figured it out, they wouldn't be able to find the # &%! * light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CABINET for the past 17 YEARS! But if they did, by some miracle of God, actually find them, 2 DAYS LATER, the chair they dragged to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!!!!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE WRAPPER THE FREAKING LIGHT BULBS CAME IN!!! BECAUSE NO ONE EVER PICKS UP OR CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE A FOOT DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS PLACE! AND DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON WHO CHANGES THE TOILET PAPER ROLL !! I'm sorry. What was the question? Thanks Anne-Marie :-)
Sunday, November 04, 2007METRO PIC UPDATEI'm not the sharpest tool in the shed when it comes to mucking about with photos, so forgive me for not 'transplanting' hordes of TCN's, abaya-clad -Gucci-handbag-wielding-females & dish-dash sporting get-out-of-my-way-you-heathen/infidel males. I did however manage to 'add' the missing phrase (albeit only in English) which is synonymous with stations. 
Saturday, November 03, 2007DUBAI METROI'm told this is what Dubai Metro (stations) will look like upon completion.      Different innit?
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