JAYNE WITH A WHY


My life has endured some drastic changes over the past 5yrs. I've moved continents, moved countries, lost my partner in life, lost my dogs, lost the bikes & no doubt about it, lost more than a few marbles along the way. I'm fucked up but valiantly fighting off sanity, which snaps at my heels at regular intervals. I swear a lot. Tell someone who cares.

Thursday, September 28, 2006

SIGNS OF THE TIMES


'Fart with delight'.....interesting sales pitch!

Classic T-Shirt

If they lived in this apartment block, they'd also be given free flying lessons from the 19th floor.........


Love the subtle sarcasm!

(This one is just for Kaya, cos like mine, her Hubby is a Beemer fan.)



Posted by Jayne :: 12:18 :: 7 Had Somminc To Say

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Saturday, September 23, 2006

CAREER OPTIONS FOR CHIKKIN!

Spadge & Shans are finally connected to the internet again & hot off the cyber-press, I bring you the latest pics of Chikkin! Hubs & I received these photos early this morning & guess what........we've been smiling ever since!

So I got to thinking...............there are all sorts of career possibilities for our Chikkin............
she could be a Model


or a 'Beverage Technician'


or a Racing Car Driver


or even a Pole Dancer!

*Big sigh*

It's great to be an Ouma.

************ ooOOoo************

RAMADAN KAREEM! May Allah answer your prayers & accept your deeds. I wish Muslim Bloggers & readers a time of peace & fulfillment.


Posted by Jayne :: 07:10 :: 7 Had Somminc To Say

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Monday, September 18, 2006

IT'S CALLED C O N S I D E R A T I O N!!

There is a word, pleasant sounding word even & it's called 'consideration'. There are way too many people here in the Middle East who know not of this word.
I know & I understand, that I am a guest living in this country. I have adapted to the way of life very well I think, having previously lived in the Magic Kingdom.

I was brought up in a reasonably strict household. I was taught manners from an early age. I was punished if I was naughty or 'made' trouble. It was - I like to think - a normal upbringing.

Living here has shown me that normal behaviour, particularly where children are concerned, involves much screaming, whining, snot 'n tears, shouting & in some instances, physical abuse (by the child) to the childs parent or guardian.

I live in a very nice apartment block - nice marble finishes, good facilities, security & cleaning or maintenance staff. There are only 4 apartments per floor in this building. To the best of my knowledge, each is three bedroomed & is more than 250sq.m in size. The walls are thick & it is extremely rare to hear anything from a neighbouring apartment.

Having said that, you can hear a moth fart in the lobby & hall area, which leads to each of the front doors. It's an 'empty' space & any noise echoes. I can hear the lift 'ping' when it stops at this floor & trust me, my hearing isn't brilliant.
So what I want to know is, why do 2 of the neighbouring apartments on this floor allow their adolescent monsters to create absolute fucking havoc with either bicycles or worse still, pushing one another around in a battered shopping trolley? It is ear splitting...............the noise these kids have made would make a jumbo jet engine on take off sound pitiful.
Initially, I was polite - I went & asked the children to please try to keep the noise down. They did, for about 20 nano seconds after I'd returned to the apartment & then it'd just start all over again.

The little fuckers have started school again now, so we're back to the old routine of screaming/wailing/screeching/crying/shouting every afternoon....................UNTIL..................dun dun dun............Hubs got so pissed off recently that he threatened to call the police & then went to the next door neighbour to give her a right bollocking. He got a very sheepish "sorry, sorry" from the mother of one lot of monsters, to which he retorted "don't be bloody sorry - just tell the kids to either be QUIET or keep them in your own apartment! Please, have some consideration for the other tenants!"

Ahhhhhhhhhhhh..............peace ruled once more.

It was short-lived.

We were awoken rather unceremoniously in the early hours a few days ago. It was 1.15a.m. & someone was HAMMERING in the apartment above us. Bang, bang, bang fucking bang...........the noise went on until I was gatvol. I pulled on a kaftan & went down to security to complain. I'm not a pretty picture at 1.30 in the morning, trust me.........so I think the security guard was literally taken off guard when I stepped out of the lift & asked him to please find out what the noise was from the apartment above us.

"They fixing internal door" he says.
"At 1.30 in the fucking morning?" I screech! At this moment in time, I do not care if he is offended by my bad language, because I am bloody offended at being woken up by some inconsiderate twat, who has no consideration for anyone else!
The security guard phoned the evil-doer (he KNEW who it was!) & in some garbled lingo, probably requested them to keep the noise down.

I returned to my perch, Hubs joined me & grandma returned to her pit again. Muffled hammering followed for about another 15 minutes & then all was quiet.

Yesterday afternoon, the monsters returned from school. They were no doubt fed & watered & then sent out to create their extremely noisy hell-play in the hall/lobby area.
I was, I like to think, patient. I waited for almost half an hour, for them to quieten things down. They didn't & my patience wore very thin. Grandma was trying to rest & she could hear the monsters from her room. I opened the front door & once more, requested "Please be quiet". I have ALWAYS said/asked/requested PLEASE. No matter what, I try to be polite.

Five minutes pass.

The screaming starts again & I've now had it with these little bastards!

I opened the front door & positively screamed:

"SHUT THE FUCK UP........................PLEASE!"

Silence.

Thankfully.

No more Mrs Nice Neighbour. You wanna play dirty you little gits, then you come to the right place.

All I want is a little bit of C O N S I D E R A T I O N.
Is it really SO much to ask for?






Posted by Jayne :: 11:20 :: 21 Had Somminc To Say

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Sunday, September 17, 2006

THE TAG THANG - TWO FOR THE PRICE OF ONE!!

Fellow Blogger Kaya tagged me, so I took the liberty of tagging Grandma. Surprisingly, it didn't take a stiff brandy & 3 fags for her to get the jist of it & within minutes, she presented me with her answers - clever Gwanma! (altogether now.......awwwwwwww)

Here then are the results of Flowerpot (Grandma's nickname)


I AM THINKING ABOUT - There's no grey matter to think with!

I SAID - Is that all you've got to do?

I WANT TO - Live for another day.

I WISH - I were younger & knew what I know now.

I MISS - New baby Lilly Mai.

I HEAR - Everything I shouldn't!

I REGRET - The years I have wasted.

I AM - Happy & content.

I DANCE - All night...............I wish!!

I SING - (That song about the weather) so it will rain!

I CRY - At films.

I AM NOT ALWAYS - So dumb.............

I WRITE - Long letters with no punctuation.

I CONFUSE - The family.

I NEED - More time & money!

I SHOULD TRY - Harder

I FINISH UP - With a good book.


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So now it's my turn............my answers, which I can't put on a postcard with an unknown address...........*sigh*
I AM THINKING ABOUT - How to make the sweet & sour sauce to go with the meatballs for lunch.
I SAID - Whatever it was, it was not I or us.
I WANT TO - Be 30kg lighter than I currently am/have teeth that don't rattle in my mouth/be able to eat cashew nuts again/get another tattoo/see Chikkin more often/write a book - but on my terms/not have hang-ups/get rid of my accent/learn by my mistakes/find a good shrink who'll lissen to me & give me advice that I can REMEMBER.....amongst other things, which are too numerous to mention, as I'm still thinking about the bloody sweet & sour sauce............
I WISH - All of 'I Want To' & a whole heap more.
I MISS - My son & his family.
I HEAR - The passion in opera.
I REGRET - I wouldn't know where to begin on this......
I AM - In denial.
I DANCE - Like someone with a serious medical condition.
I SING - To myself & enjoy it, but pity the surrounding humans & plants.
I CRY - Silently.
I AM NOT ALWAYS - Quite with it, first thing in the morning.
I WRITE - Heaps of things - from utter drivel to mad poetry!
I CONFUSE - Myself.
I NEED - My partner in life to keep me from sinking into the depths of sanity.
I SHOULD TRY - To listen, to concentrate, to remember.
I FINISH -This, by thinking if anyone wants to analyse my analysis, they'll have to get past me first.......................

Posted by Jayne :: 09:44 :: 1 Had Somminc To Say

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Saturday, September 16, 2006

BLOGGING BLUES

For almost a week now, I haven't been able to check blogs, particularly ones that I've linked to my page. I haven't been able to access heaps of web pages, haven't been able to post anything on this & have battled to retrieve mail. As far as I know, I don't have any bugs or virus - Hubs performed surgical precision checks - so the only thing I could come up with was that I'd downloaded the new Messenger Live Update. From doing that, nothing has been going as it should have & buggrit, it's bloody frustrating! I didn't tick the option of installing the accompanying toolbar, as I was happy with what I had & I have a horrible suspicion that the toolbar thingy was the problem. Internet connection speed wasn't a problem, the network link between me & Hubs wasn't a problem, but about 80% of what I wanted to look at came up 'error' or 'server error'.

This morning, out of sheer frustration, I uninstalled the Messenger Live & also the Yahoo toolbar. Then, after a coupla smokes & a coffee, reinstalled the Messenger Live, complete with its sodding toolbar. Hey-fekkin-presto............I'm now getting much more than what I have been in the past several days BUT not all the blogs open yet. I don't know what else to do.....................(she sobs, in typical dumb-blonde computer ignorance!)

Does anyone have any ideas or suggestions as to what might possibly be wrong with this confounded set up?


**************************************
On a lighter note, we took the unusual step of venturing out to a mall yesterday. We don't do this very often on a weekend, cos Hubs loathes weekend shoppers, as I suspect many men do! Anyway, we fought our way through the screaming brats & dawdling adults to find a new phone for Hubs. After a price & make comparison adventure, he eventually settled on a phone that stops short of changing a spare tyre or liquidising any form of solid matter. It's really nice - for him - but it'd take me 3mths at a well known university just to learn how to make a simple call!
Whilst out, Grandma told us she wanted to buy some really sickly/sticky/heart attack inducing cakes, just for a little treat. We went to a superb confectioner in town, selected 6 life-span reducing cakes & got a sample of some of the chocolates on offer - OMG divine! After a smashing dinner of Thai food, we tucked into our cakes....................
Grandma's verdict: Ohhhhhhhhhh..........out of this world!
My verdict: Better than sex! (I got the expected glare from Hubs!)
Hubs verdict: This is Devil food!
For anyone who fancies a yummy treat, EVA Dolce is the place!

Posted by Jayne :: 08:40 :: 4 Had Somminc To Say

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Sunday, September 10, 2006

ARE MUSLIMS FUNNY?


Are Muslims funny?
Why are people so intrigued by the concept of a Muslim with a sense of humour, asks Riaad Moosa?

Are Muslims funny? I get asked this question a lot. People also ask me: “Why are you doing stand-up comedy instead of medicine?” Well, one of the reasons is that I never really get applause doing medicine. Let’s be honest, rectal exams don’t really inspire standing ovations. “Encore, Doctor, encore! I wished it would never end.”

I guess people ask me these questions because of the supposed dichotomy of the various aspects of my life. They must be thinking: “How can a medical doctor do stand-up comedy?” Well, laughter is the best medicine. I guess I could follow it on that level. But now they’re saying funny and Muslim -- that’s really pushing it.

Why are people so intrigued by the concept of a Muslim with a sense of humour? Why is that weird?
Laughter is an instinctive behaviour programmed by our genes. It is a universal language. Since the beginning of time, all people have used humour to deal with hardship and pain because of the positive effects of laughter on a physiological level. Laughter lowers blood pressure, improves cardiac output, cardiac contractility and the immune response -- and when painful things happen to you, humour can relieve the tension.

I went to London with a group of comedians to do a comedy show. At passport control I was subjected to a “random check”. I’m not sure it was so random.
It was like, “John Vlismas, welcome to London. Chris Forrest, welcome to London. Martin Jonas, welcome to London. Riaad Moosa, could you step this way please, sir.”
I thought it was a joke because I was with a group of comedians. Did they think I was part of the comedic wing of alQaeda? “You are all my hostages. We are awaiting our demands. So, in the meantime -- two Iraqis walk into a bar … Haraam, haraam.”

I shouldn’t make fun of these anti-terrorist protocols. The truth is that they have cohorts of anti-terrorist experts with Ivy League university degrees spending every minute of their lives studying psychological profiles of so-called “terrorists”. Day in and day out, they use the latest international espionage techniques and satellite surveillance information to determine an extremely comprehensive and accurate terrorist profile. Apparently, I fit the description.

What are they telling these guys in the briefings?
“All right fellows, be wary of Asian-looking men between the ages of 15 and 102, height 4,9 to seven feet. They also tend to nod their heads from side to side -- and I think they eat curry.”
I think people have these fears because of the portrayal of Islam on television. There are so many negative Islamic images; sometimes we as Muslims even discriminate against ourselves. For example, I was looking in the mirror the other day and I became suspicious. I decided to pat myself down just in case. You never know what I could be carrying. They say so on CNN, so it must be true.

We are the new face of the “enemy”. First it was the Cowboys v the Indians. Of course, by Indians I mean Native Americans. I don’t mean like Clint Eastwood v Shabir Shaik.
Subsequently, every movie you saw was about the Good Guy Americans v the Evil Russians. Now it’s us, the Muslims. It’s almost like a balance-of-power soap opera, “the part of Boris will now be played by Osama”.

Are Muslims funny? If you are going to ask this question, you need to ask whether people are funny. The answer is, obviously, yes. Muslims are people -- like everybody else.
Copied from Mail & Guardian Online 10-09-06

Posted by Jayne :: 13:02 :: 6 Had Somminc To Say

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Saturday, September 09, 2006

WITHDRAWAL SYMPTOMS

I'm getting some serious withdrawal symptoms...............Spadge, Shans & Chikkin will be moving from their one bedroomed flat to a 3 bedroomed house this weekend. They were s'posed to have moved last weekend, but there were a few probs, so the move was postponed. They had the phone & internet disconnected from the flat, in time for the move, but with the delay in moving, re-connections will only be in another week or so. As a result, we're all getting withdrawal symptoms from not seeing Chikkin - no new photos & no watching her trying to get to the camera on Messenger chat! Spadge sent us an SMS last week, telling us that Chikkin had taken her first steps independantly - WOW - she's only 10mths old!
So, in a moment of sentimentality, I thought I'd put up some more pics of Miss Lilly Mai (a.k.a. Chikkin)









Posted by Jayne :: 08:51 :: 5 Had Somminc To Say

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Wednesday, September 06, 2006

CURE FOR PILES

So............hmmmmm...........could this be the new cure for those pesky piles?


This is a South African policeman. With the horrific crime statistics related to guns, this picture simply leaves me gob-smacked. This arsehole (no pun intended) is a prime example of just how seriously the police not only misuse their weapons, but also portray themselves as fuckwits to the rest of the world.

(Thanks to Drienie for the pic)

Posted by Jayne :: 12:57 :: 7 Had Somminc To Say

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Sunday, September 03, 2006

SUCH A NICE BOY!!

He looked like butter wouldn't melt in his mouth in the previous photo!

This is what he looks like nowadays!





Posted by Jayne :: 07:57 :: 8 Had Somminc To Say

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HE AIN'T HEAVY...........

I spoke to Dubby & Pup yesterday. Dubs told me that they'd had a chat earlier in the day, mainly reminicing about that exact date 50yrs ago.........................cos a whole half century ago (yesterday) Dubs' waters broke & she went into labour. On this day 50yrs ago, her first born, made his entrance into the world.

*sigh*




He beat me up when I was a sprog.......because he could......cos that's what 'big brothers' did & probably still do. He was always Dubs' favourite, as sons always are to their mums. I didn't/don't envy him that, as I have my own special relationship with Pup.

I haven't seen him for many years & I honestly don't know if or when I'll ever see him again, but he'll always be my Big Brother & nothing will stop me from loving him. I doubt if he'll ever get to see this, but what the hell........

HAPPY 50th BIRTHDAY GARY

Posted by Jayne :: 07:40 :: 5 Had Somminc To Say

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