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JAYNE WITH A WHY |
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January 2006 . : On My Perch at Night, I'm Reading A Book On My Kindle: .
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Thursday, August 31, 2006A LETTER ABOUT A SEALLast weekend the Sunday Times Home section devoted a lot of space to moving to the seaside and living for the rest of your life in a chunky polo neck sweater and yellow wellies. It all looked terribly idyllic. But I have a cottage by the coast and let me tell you there are certain aspects of life by the sea that you might not have considered: like, for instance, what you are supposed to do when an 8ft seal comes to the beach outside your house and dies. No, I didn’t club it. And nor had it become entangled in the £40 worth of fishing equipment that I lose in the oggin every evening. Global warming? Perhaps, but contrary to the teachings of Rolf Harris there is another, more common way for seals to die. It’s called old age. Whatever, it was dead and despite a limited knowledge about these things I knew that I had maybe two days before it would start to smell pretty bad. “Push it into sea,” said one local. A fine plan I’m sure, but such was the weight of the thing I think it would have been easier to push the sea onto the seal. God it was heavy. And worse, while trying to manhandle it through the shallows, its eyes fell out. So now I’m standing up to my shins in water that’s being stained a sort of pungent reddy brown, and all around small fish and crabs are fighting one another to eat the eyes. This is something David Attenborough doesn’t show. The gruesome, cruel, revolting side of nature. I’m not ashamed to admit that after only a very short while I was prodigiously sick. And then the crabs start to eat that. Happily I recently bought a special eight-wheel-drive vehicle for just such an emergency, so I reversed this on to the beach with a view to pulling the seal above the high-water mark. Carefully I tied a rope to its flippers, and promptly pulled them off. Say what you like about seals, that they’re cute and so on, but I can assure you they are incredibly badly made. The slightest tug or nudge causes bits of them to come away. Anyway, after much revving and many arguments with my wife about what sort of knot would be best, we finally had the beast on dry land. But then what? Momentarily I considered towing it to a nearby beauty spot where people were camping illegally. A rotting seal with no eyes or feet would soon clear them away. “No,” said another passing local, “you should turn it into a coat.” This raises an interesting point. You might think you’re prepared for a life by the sea. You can probably paint, and arrange flowers, and make jam from kelp, but can you skin a seal? I’m willing to bet you can’t. And neither can I, so I decided to burn it. Of course, I’ve watched Ray Mears many times and I know that it’s easy to light a fire with nothing but patience and some dry wood. But this is the Isle of Man and I’d like to see him find some dry wood here. It all falls into two categories: damp or sodden. I collected as much of it as I could, along with half a ton of litter that’s always easy to find on a beach, and made what would pass for a Viking funeral pyre . . . and then went to the garage to buy a couple of gallons of diesel. Not since the wreckers were operating round these parts has the Isle of Man seen such an enormous blaze. All day it spat and crackled and I went to bed that night pleased that I’d found an appropriate and dignified way for the seal to be dealt with. But it didn’t work. The seal emerged with nothing more than a lightly singed coat. So I built an even bigger fire. This one was going to make the conflagration in Hemel Hempstead look like the pilot light in your boiler. I bought diesel, petrol, meths, engine oil, kindling and even a light sprinkling of gunpowder. Then I lit a match and knew immediately I’d overdone it. The pile didn’t catch fire. It exploded. The savagery was incredible. It looked like Beirut out there. Nothing within 50 yards was as it had been. Except the seal. It remained in one piece, only now it had a small gash in its stomach through which its intestines were poking. These smelt terrible. I therefore rented, for the not inconsiderable sum of £175 a day, a bulldozer so that I could dig a grave for the lightly singed, mildly split corpse. This is an expense you might not have considered when thinking about moving to the seaside. Have you ever tried digging a grave on a shingle beach? It can’t be done. Shingle is the geological equivalent of the Hydra. You scoop 10 stones out of the way and immediately 10 grow back to fill the cavity. By the time my 24-hour bulldozer rental period was up, the hole was just about big enough for Willie Carson. But not a big dead grey seal, so I’m afraid there’s no happy ending. It’s still out there, making the whole postcode smell like Cambodia’s killing fields. I thought that a life by the sea would be relaxing. I thought it’d be nice to work here. And it is, although I must say this is the first newspaper column I’ve written while wearing a gas mask. Regards Gez  
Thursday, August 24, 2006I'LL TELL YOU, IF YOU TELL ME!Hubs showed me a questionnaire just now & asked me to 'do it'. He said he'd tell me his results, as soon I got my results.......... I did it, although I think I took longer than him, mainly because I thought about the wording of some of the questions before rushing ahead & answering. My results showed I'm only slightly different to his, which was quite surprising. So, I'll tell you mine (and will publish the graph) when you tell me yours! CLICK ON THIS
Saturday, August 19, 2006LITTLE JOHNNYLittle Johnnie's neighbour had a baby. Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears. When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnnie's family was invited over to see the baby. Before they left their house, Little Johnnie's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears. His dad also told him that if he so much as mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears he would get the smacking of his life when they came back home. Little Johnnie told his dad he understood completely. When Johnnie looked in the crib he said, "What a beautiful baby." The mother said, "Why, thank you, Little Johnnie." Johnnie said, "He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see?" "Yes", the mother replied, "we are so thankful, the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision." "That's great", said Little Johnnie, "coz he'd be fucked if he needed glasses."
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And on a lighter note - for fellow S'affies or anyone who 'gets' the humour of South Africa - a joke doing the rounds via SMS:
Thanks for registering to vote! Please phone the ANC on +27-11-4377400. You have WON a black baby! If you don't claim your prize within 14 days, we will send you the whole family!
A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. "Human beings are the only animals that stutter", she says. A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered", she volunteered. The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident. "Well", she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the rottweiler who lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!" "That must've been scary", said the teacher. "It sure was", said the little girl. "My kitty went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'... and before he could say "Fuck," the rottweiler ate him!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ O ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Three blondes had a very late night out drinking. They went their separate ways in the early morning hours and went home. The next day, they all met and compared notes about who was more drunk the night before. The first girl claims that she was the drunkest, saying, "I drove straight home and walked into the house. As soon as I got through the door I blew chunks for 10 minutes." The second said, "You think that was drunk? Hell I got into my car and wrapped my car around the first tree I saw. I don't even have insurance!" The third proclaimed, "Damn, I was the drunkest by far. When I got home, I got into a big fight with my husband, knocked a candle over, and burned the whole house down!" The room was silent for a moment. Then, the first girl spoke out again, "Listen girls, I don't think you understand... Chunks is my dog." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ O ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The Center for Disease Control has issued a warning about a new virulent strain of Sexually Transmitted Disease. The disease is contracted through dangerous and high-risk behaviour. The disease is called Gonorrhea Lectim and pronounced "gonna re-elect him." Many victims contracted it in 2004, after having been screwed for the past four years. Naturalists and epidemiologists are amazed at how this destructive disease originated only a few years ago from a bush found in Texas.
Wednesday, August 16, 2006FEDDUPI can say, without a shadow of a doubt, that I bloody well hate being grounded! I'm right fed up, scrumpled, pissed off & miserable. I've now got a cold (it's all Tainted's fault!)* so I'm like a sodding snot factory that hobbles from one room to another in search of more tissues, lip balm & moisturising cream for my nose. Hubs took me to Al Noor hospital last week, to get my ankle checked out & X-rays revealed I've crushed a bone. The orthopaedic doc didn't want to put a cast on, as he said the risk of DVT was high................I think if that happened to me again (I've had DVT's twice now) I'd find a vet & ask him to put me down. So, my ankle is bound during the day & put in a stabilising brace during the night. The swelling has gone down quite a bit & the bruising is now different shades of blue & yellow, but the pain doesn't seem to ease up much. I've got a box under my desk, which my left foot is now propped up on, cos if I don't do a bit of psychological surfing, I swear I'll go nuts. I've been doing alot of reading since being grounded, so I was really looking forward to reading Martina Cole's new book - The Take - but jeez, give me a break............it took almost 400 pages to get to the crux of the plot & I found it to be really repetative in certain respects. This woman has knocked out some good stuff in the past, but her wheels were definitely deflated when she shoved this one out. Normally she tends to bring her characters alive by their accents (particularly Cockney) but in this book everyone tends to swear or voice their obscenities in a terribly polite manner. If you're going to have a gangster who would kneecap his own mother for an unpaid debt, it's no good trying to refine his edges, cos if you've got street cred, then thassit innit? So my personal review of The Take is utter bollocks. I'm cheering myself by reading Soul Music (Terry Pratchett) now & am thoroughly enjoying it. I needed something totally insane to take my sludge off of Ms Cole's crap. TP is a bloody genius! How can you not be mesmerised by characters called 'Death' (who only talks in CAPITAL LETTERS), 'Rincewind', an orangutan that's a Librarian & a Troll called Igor who talks with a lisp? Oh to have Mr Pratchetts imagination! Before Grandma came to live with us, Hubs & I would buy box sets of DVD's. We went through the first 3 series of '24' before I got tired of Jack's tutting & sighing, so then - for something completely different - we bought the first series of Six Feet Under. Neither of us had seen the show on TV, but I'd seen good reviews, so we decided to give it a bash. We were totally addicted! By the time Grandma arrived, we'd finished series 1, 2, 3 & 4, so we asked her to watch them before we got the 5th & final series. Needless to say, Grandma became an addict & every day she'd disappear into her room to do her 'homework' of watching an episode......or two! I was dreading the final series & had like an underlying fear that everyone was going to get killed off in some horrific accident, but must admit I really enjoyed every episode & especially the end. There are some pretty dysfunctional families 'out there' but I reckon the Fishers take the cake! All good things have to come to an end I s'pose, so now we're on the lookout for another series to watch..............we've tried to get the first series of 'Lost' but none of the stores seem to have it. Anyone recommend something else? Watching daytime TV is so incredibly frustrating nowadays, as everything I tune into is a repeat. I've watched Oprah in Riyadh, Sondu (Kenya), Mua (Malawi) & Tarkwa (Ghana) & sod me if I'm not seeing repeats of her shows from the last 2 countries I've lived in. Dr Phil's shows are now on a repeat roll (sigh) & I swear if I see another Trading Up/Houses Under the Hammer/House Swap/Wife Swap/60 Minutes/Lock-Up/Middlemore/ER repeat I'll throw somminc at the TV & send thousands of obscene letters to Showtime & Orbit! I would rather count grains of sandy dust on the balcony floor than be reduced to watching General Hospital or The Bold & The Beautiful! I think I feel better now.......snifff.........atchooo.......atchooooooooooo....bugger! I'm gonna order Chinese & Thai food for dinner tonight. I just hope I can taste it..........atchooooooooooo............(spray the monitor with snot why dontcha woman?) I'm out of here, before I thump something or someone, simply out of pure frustration! *On Tainteds blog, she recently was very poorly with the flu. She's since 'given' a couple of her fellow bloggers the bug. Strange thing this cyberspace!
Saturday, August 12, 2006OOOHHHH NASTY !!If you receive an email entitled "Badtimes," delete it immediately! Do not open it. Apparently, this one is pretty nasty. It will not only erase everything on your hard drive, but it will also delete anything on disks within 20 meters of your computer. It demagnetizes the stripes on ALL of your credit cards. It reprograms your ATM access code, screws up the tracking on your VCR and uses subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD's you attempt to play. It will re-calibrate your refrigerator's coolness settings so all your ice cream melts and your milk curdles. It will program your phone's autodial to call only your mother-in-law's number. This virus will mix antifreeze into your fish tank. It will drink all your beer. It will leave dirty socks on the coffee table when you are expecting company. It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with Rogaine, all while dating your current boy/girlfriend behind your back and billing their hotel rendezvous to your Visa card. It will cause you to run with scissors and throw things in a way that is only fun until someone loses an eye. It will give you Dutch Elm Disease and Tinea. It will rewrite your backup files, changing all your active verbs to passive tense and incorporating undetectable misspellings, which grossly change the interpretations of key sentences. If the "Badtimes" message is opened in a WindowsXP environment, it will leave the toilet seat up and leave your hair dryer plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub. It will not only remove the forbidden tags from your mattresses and pillows, but it will also refill your skim milk with full cream milk. It will replace all your luncheon meat with Spam. It will molecularly rearrange your cologne or perfume, causing it to smell like dill pickles. It is insidious and subtle. It is dangerous and terrifying to behold. It is also a rather interesting shade of mauve. (These are just a few signs of infection.) There are 3 kinds of people: Those who can count & those who can't. (Thanks to Hubs for forwarding this from the ASAQS website)
Friday, August 11, 2006HOPPING MADI sprained my ankle rather badly on Wednesday & already, I'm extremely scrumpled at having my mobility reduced by 90%. Going to the bathroom is a mission. Trying to do anything in fact is a bloody mission! I can move my toes today, so I'm taking that as a sure sign of the recovery process, but still can't put any pressure on my foot. Grandma is now the Chief Cook & Bottlewasher while I feel incredibly guilty about lounging around with my left leg propped up on cushions. I've been sat here at the desk for about an hour now & I'm in a lot of pain, so I'm going to hobble back to my perch. Normal blogging will resume when my foot stops throbbing!
Tuesday, August 08, 2006MORE FAVOURITESI apologise in advance for the poor quality of the photos - I tried taking shots with the flash on & got great big white blotches, so on nzm's suggestion (thanks hon) I turned the flash off. I don't know if it's cos I haven't got a steady hand or if basically I'm just a kak photographer, but the images aren't so clear. Anyway, this first pair of pictures are of a pair of almost dream-like images, one of a maiden & the other of a Sangoma (witchdoctor). They were only calendar prints which I had framed a dozen or so years ago, but they seem to let my imagination conjour up infinite stories.......   This is a painting done on cotton, which I got whilst in Kenya. So much detail goes into such works by local artists & like most curios, they're sold by the side of the road for very cheap prices.  This has to be one of our all time favourites - a painting of Elsa by Joy Adamson. Hubs & I took the opportunity of vising her home - now a museum - near Naivasha, Kenya. She was an incredibly talented artist & one day when I'm rich, I'll go back & buy some of her original paintings!
Finally, this is one of a pair of original paintings by a black artist whom I came across in 1993. His work was so different - vibrant & imaginative!
Monday, August 07, 2006A FEW OF MY FAVOURITE THINGSI had to be quite ruthless when it came to choosing which curios I would bring over to Abu Dhabi. I have a beautiful hand carved Malawian 'chief' chair in solid teak & I would have loved to brought it here, but it weighs in at 25kg, so sadly it's gone into storage. My friend Laura - from my days in Kenya - gave me a stunning Kisii stone carving, but alas, at 23kg it also had to go into storage. *sigh* After much deliberation, I decided to bring our favourite paintings & smaller curios. This wall hanging is from the Transkei in South Africa.
Made from one piece of wood, this zebra bowl is from Kisumu in Kenya.
This is what I look like, first thing in the morning....scary innit? (From Accra, Ghana) Now, if I can figure out how to get more photos on an entry without bashing the living daylights out of my laptop, I will! And, as soon as I can figure out how to take some nice photos of the paintings without great big white blotches of where the flash has gone off, I will!
Saturday, August 05, 2006NINETEEN EIGHTY ONE ......Is when this picture was taken. Grandma still had her lovely dark hair & Spadge was the cutest, cuddliest sprog in the world!
An old Arab lived close to New York City for more than 40 years. He would have loved to plant potatoes in his garden, but he is alone, old and weak. His son is in college in Paris, so the old man sends him an e-mail. He explains the problem: "Beloved son, I am very sad, because I can't plant potatoes in my garden. I am sure, if only you were here, you would help and dig up the garden for me. I love you, Your Father" The following day, the old man receives a response e-mail from his son: "Beloved Father, Please don't touch the garden. It's there that I have hidden 'the THING'. I love you, too, Ahmed" At 4pm the US Army, The Marines, the FBI, the CIA and the Rangers visit the house of the old man, take the whole garden apart, search every inch, but can't find anything. Disappointed they leave the house. A day later, the old man receives another e-mail from his son. "Beloved Father,I hope the garden is dug up by now and you can plant your potatoes.That's all I could do for you from here. Ahmed."
Thursday, August 03, 2006KEWL SHADES!How can you not smile?  The future's so bright, she's gotta wear shades!
Wednesday, August 02, 2006GETTING AWAY TO FUJAIRAHHubs & I went to Fujairah earlier this year, just for a weekend break. We stayed at the Al Aqaa resort, which was nice, but ill-disciplined brats creating noisy havoc in restaurants, the adjoining room+balcony & the 'exclusive' lounge really left its mark. So, having the need to get away for a much needed (particularly Hubs) bit of R & R, we decided to give the Hilton Fujairah a try. What a difference! The whole atmosphere of the place was so much friendlier & relaxed. With the exception of two families with spoilt monsters in the restaurant on the morning we left, all other time was spent in calm & tranquil surroundings. Hubs chilled completely - we all did I suppose - as we did little more than eat, drink, read books & sleep. Grandma was fascinated that there were a couple of Arab men (in thobes) drinking in the bar.....fascinated to the extent we had to tell her to stop catching flies with her open mouth & to please stop gawking! Hubs explained to her that if Muslim men chose to drink, it was up to them & only they could answer to their God if what they were doing was wrong. There seems to be a building boom going on along the coast of Fujairah - understandably the Emirate wants to generate income from tourism. What I found sad though was that the majestic mountains are being eroded for their solid content. The queues of rock laden trucks stretched for miles, lumbering along at a snails pace, to off-load their loads in another Emirate. I wondered to myself during the journey home, how Fujairah might end up looking in a decade or so.........would it just be another built up Emirate offering exclusive holiday resorts & luxury housing.............with a few rocky outcrops, as opposed to what were once huge mountains? To my mind, it's a distinct possibility. It saddens me to think that Fujairah might end up like Dubai - that the small villages & towns will be wiped out by the need to 'catch up' with the rest of the world - that the 'real' Emirates become blanketed by bling. I guess that's why I love my home continent so much, because no matter where you go, there is still so much that remains undeveloped & is completely natural. The weather was hot, but not unbearable. I sat out on the little stoep (verandah) for a couple of hours on Friday morning, simply listening to the birds & admiring the various shades of green in the garden. The sweat rolled off me & I had to wipe the 'mist' off my glasses several times, but the air of relaxation was instantaneous......just what I needed to recharge my batteries. Grandma's been taking strain as she's worried about her visa & Hubs has been totally snowed under with his work, so just 2 days of being away from a city & doing absolutely nothing in a peaceful environment has done us all the world of good :-)  Grandma feeling rather regal!We were tempted to tell her that's where she would be sleeping at night, but then realised she'd be too far from a loo................  Smile for the camera! That's it, I'm outa here...................I gotta phone the building maintenance man again. The newly installed water heater is set to a tepid temperature. The old one was set so hot I could've made coffee with the water. I asked him to make the temperature on the new one a bit lower, so the clever git set it on tepid. If you come across any headlines in the Gulf News about a building maintenance worker suddenly acting in a deranged manner, you'll know I gave him a snot klap* with a monkey wrench.............. *slap
Before heading to Fujairah....................... Had a new dishwasher delivered & installed. First time it's used, water spewed across the kitchen floor. Installation team returned, did somminc, told me the problem was fixed. Tried the machine again. Water all over kitchen floor......again. Following morning; Building maintenance came up to the apartment - poked & prodded - told me the outlet pipe was blocked - much water & crud later, pipe is unblocked. Whoop-de-do, got to use my dishwasher for real. Put it on the wrong setting & could've washed dishes from a 300 place setting 8 course meal in the time it took for the fekkin machine to finish its cycle. Grandma read book of destructions. I read book of destructions. Got magnifying glass out to check correct diagram settings on poxy machine. Finally it's now up, running & doing what it should do in the correct amount of time. Water dripping from main en-suite bathroom ceiling. Building maintenance come up to fix it. Coupla hours later, water dripping from main en-suite bathroom again. Building maintenance come up & fix it again. Following day, water pissing through main en-suite bathroom ceiling. Different building maintenance person comes up, complete with ladders & impressive looking canvas bag of magical tools. Several hours & much watery mess on floor, bath, toilet etc. am told problem is fixed. Following day, no hot water in main en-suite bathroom. Thinks: Do we need hot water or do we risk building maintenace again? Phone maintenance...............diagnosis: new water heater. Bollocks. Hubs went to Dubai - Ministry of Wonders & Blunders re. Grandma's residence permit. Was told by certain official individual to come back at 1.00pm. Hubs arrived at 12.55pm. Aforementioned certain official individual saw hubs, told him to wait............so he did..............for almost 2hrs. Hubs then informed by boss of certain official individual that he'd gone home at 1pm. Hubs mad as a spitting cobra. Grandma's visit visa expired. Best idea - nut over to Doha & come back for another 60 day visa. Book & pay for tickets..............she gets lost in the apartment..........too dangerous to let her go alone, so I'm her tour guide. Get to airport for 6am. Check in no worries. Passport control officer declares Grandma's visa expired 3 days prior............have to pay AED300 plus AED100 'administration' fee. Don't have cash on me. Flight is being called already. Have to leave passport control & run like a lunatic to nearest ATM - incidentally on another floor & about 500m away. Flight is being called again. Am sweating. Put card in ATM & enter PIN. ATM swallows card - spits out receipt telling me to go to nearest bank*. Muttered choice obscenities, put another card & PIN in, got my money. Bitch called the flight again. Get back to passport control, sweat blinding my eyes. Pay the fine, collect little grey haired old lady & try not to drag her to departure gate. Bitch called final FINAL boarding call. Flight took off early. Doha airport fascinating for Grandma. Bought another fridge magnet. 90mins later, back on plane to Abu Dhabi. Stop in Duty Free to get a dop & smokes. Sales-ratbag in shop tells me new restrictions from 1st July - no longer allowed 2,000 cigarettes per person - only 400 each now. Shit shit shit. Get Grandma another visa stamp in her passport. (Phew!) Hubs pulled up outside just as we left the building - somminc to smile about :-) Have 40 winks on sofa that afternoon. Go to bed with migraine that evening. Get a call from shipping agent in Port Zayed. Crate from SA has arrived. We must collect & pay AED100 for the paperwork. Wrong. Told agent I'd arranged for & paid for door-to-door delivery of sed crate. Agent tells me he now must get in touch with SA shipping agent. Will phone me next day. Four days later - no phone call. Agent handling my case mysteriously not in office when I phone. Eventually spit my dummy & get correct info+explanation from company Manager. I phone shipping agent in SA & they deny all knowledge of door-to-door arrangement (like I shit the idea???) & therefore not their problem. Local shipping agent agrees to deliver my crate after much discussion & additional AED700. --------------------------------- o O o --------------------------------- The building maintenance dipstick is treading on very thin ice. A new water heater/geyser thingy was fitted today, so God help him if anything goes wrong with the bloody thing. I'm sick of having water dripping from the ceiling & then having to mop up a continual mess after he's supposedly fixed the problem. Still no news on Grandm's visa, but we're assured it's being 'processed'. As in Africa, we wait small. Everything in my crate from SA arrived without any damage & I now have some of my more special curios here, which has made the apartment look like a real home. Favourite pictures are on the walls already & there's a story behind every carving, wall hanging or mask. For anyone wanting to send stuff from SA, DON'T use Schenker as a shipping agent. I managed to get 4 packets of 6 mini pig meat pies for Hubs today, as well as 6 boxes of battered cod fillets, an E magazine (always bloody scarce) & a jar of Bovril. I also booked flights for Spadge, Shans & Chikkin for Crimble, plus flights to Cairo for me & Hubs in late October. I was quite happy, until just now..............Grandma made me a cup of TEA, which had a teaspoonful of coffee & 3 sweeteners in it as well...................... *I put my credit card in the ATM & entered the normal bank card PIN. Very bad Duh! moment by yours truly...........
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