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JAYNE WITH A WHY |
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January 2006 . : On My Perch at Night, I'm Reading A Book On My Kindle: .
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Thursday, February 23, 2006Dead Bird Sparks Concern Among Abu Dhabi Residents(This is my take on an article that appeared - under the same heading - in a recent edition of Gulf News) A concerned Abu Dhabi resident today complained bitterly to anyone that would listen, regarding the fate of a deceased pigeon, which ‘just happened’ to die outside his apartment building. The resident, known only as A.A.M. bin S.A. initially suspected the expired bird to be ‘just resting’, but after nudging it several times with his left foot & spitting on it repeatedly, he realised the bird had indeed expired. Upon this realisation, he proceeded to phone the local police. Unfortunately they could not assist him with any help, as every single one of their officers was “too busy” dealing with 427 road traffic accidents, that were currently in progress (due to the rain) in & around the city, which left the ‘Manual Beverage Dispenser’ to man the phones. The above mentioned declined to give his name, but admitted to Mr A.A.M. bin S.A. that he had mistakenly disconnected an important telephone call from the Station Commander & therefore feared for his life – after making the next cup of Liptons. Mr A.A.M. bin S.A. then telephoned the Veterinary Clinic of the Tourism Authority in Bani Yas and was informed by an automated answering service that no one was available to take his call at the current time, as all staff had been seconded to the local police force to help with the current 427 traffic accidents that were occurring at the present time, due to the rain. The Tourism Authority voice message stated that all forms of tourism to the UAE was vitally important to the ‘rest of the world’ especially now, as P & O had sold their docks to a UAE Consortium. All other calls relating to the Tourism Authority and/or it’s Divisions, Sub-Divisions, Departments, Sub-Departments, Directors, Managers & Anyone Else Who Gets To Work Before 10am But Leaves Before 11am, would be forwarded to the Insect and Rodent Control Centre of the General Health Department at Abu Dhabi Municipality. Having listened to the recorded message another four times, Mr A.A.M bin S.A. took it upon himself to contact the Gulf News & Sky News in an effort bring public awareness to the possible outbreak of ‘Bird Flu’ which may happen as a result of the death of the pigeon outside his apartment building. A Gulf News reporter, photographer, avian health specialist – currently on an enormous retainer thanks to the Bird Flu – and Sub-Editor arranged to meet with Mr A.A.M. bin S.A. to see the ‘evidence’ for themselves. By the time they had arrived at the apartment block, a sizable crowd had gathered, in order to watch the ensuing chaos of the 426th vehicular accident as it hit a large puddle & skidded to an abrupt halt, killing 2 stray cats & narrowly missing another pigeon. By this time, the mental stability of the concerned resident – Mr A.A.M. bin S.A – became evident, as he was questioned by the Gulf News reporter. He became very agitated & expressed his desire to leave the ‘scene’ because he didn’t want his face to be photographed. He denied any knowledge of actually finding the dead pigeon (see picture) & said he had to leave immediately, in order to receive medical treatment in Riyadh for an unspecified ailment.  The dead pigeon was not immediately located by an Inspector ‘of many years experience’ from the Insect and Rodent Control Centre of the General Health Department at Abu Dhabi Municipality, who arrived just as other concerned residents began chasing Mr A.A.M. bin S.A. up the street. The Inspector examined the 2 dead cats & declared that they had definitely not died from the Bird Flu. He then made a thorough examination of a ‘poorly looking pigeon’ which had narrowly escaped being hit by vehicle strongly resembling a taxi from Al Ain. The pigeon was deemed to be merely ‘shook up’ & was then released by being thrown up into the air, whereupon it hit the front windscreen of a black Mercedes, which was being cleaned by an itinerant car washer………………….. A rain-sodden worker from the Department of Sanitation later discovered a dead pigeon, which had obviously been flattened by heavy pedestrian traffic – there being very little vehicular traffic left, due to the accidents. After some rather strenuous interrogation by another Inspector from the Insect and Rodent Control Centre of the General Health Department at Abu Dhabi Municipality, he later admitted to selling the remains of the pigeon to a group of very thin brown men lurking behind the nearest palm tree. On Sky News tonight, it was reported that a ‘major outbreak’ of Bird Flu had occurred in Abu Dhabi, due to all the rain.  
 I'm an Ouma............so that means I'm entitled to brag! Chikkin has started smiling & she's getting more beautiful by the day.......awwww! *big sigh* Can't wait to hold her again............not long 'til May.
Sunday, February 19, 2006TO WASH OR NOT TO WASH?There was an article in last Wednesdays Gulf News that read; Dubai: Dubai Municipality has warned that it would crack down on those who wash cars in parking lots and on main roads. "Car washing is an unauthorised activity except for authorised companies. Violators will face legal action," it said. The municipality has directed the public not to deal with itinerant car washers. Hmmmmm..........well I have a bit of a problem with this. I don't know what the 'automatic' car wash situation is in Dubai, but do know there is a shortage of them here in Abu Dhabi. Hubs gets to take ours about 3 times a month, which is normally sufficient. Guaranteed though, every time he does take the car to one of the filling stations offering the automatic car wash, he has to queue for a minimum of 30 minutes & has waited for over an hour on several occasions. He's tried to vary the times of when he takes the car, but it's always the same story - long queues. Just to make matters worse, after finally getting the car washed, he then has to drive around (and around, and around) to find a parking space within walking distance to our apartment building. So, it can take anything between 1-3hrs just to get the car washed.......'legally' that is. Now, correct me if I'm wrong, but I suspect there are hundreds of vehicle owners who simply do not have 1-3hrs to waste, simply in order to get sed vehicles washed? So, when an employee of an apartment building offers to wash ones vehicle at a reasonable fee & whilst it is parked, why not take up the offer? No waiting in line & no battling for a parking space - the 'hand' wash option is ideal...............but it's illegal??? Whoever dreamt that Act up must've sucked a bit too hard on his sheesha pipe & ended up in Wonder Weed Dreamland. So, in a nutshell, the average Joe Public/Ahmed bin Sultan al Khaliwotever is by law supposed to not only keep his vehicle clean, but only get it cleaned by an 'authorised' company. Getting the local apartment maintenace man to give the car a good clean for an extra 20 Durries or such is breaking the law.................well...............if you could see me now..........I'm really battling to type with the middle digit of my right hand poking up straight! I shall sleep well tonight......snuggled up to my cuddly Hubs, knowing full well he's a law breaker! TAILPIECE.......for the Guys :-D We've all heard about people having Guts or Balls, but do you really know the difference between them?In an effort to keep you informed, the definition for each is listed below: GUTS - arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere? BALLS - arriving home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the Balls to say, "You're next !"
I'm going through a tough time right now............click whirrrrr click whirrrr.......that's the sound my sludge makes when it kicks into action & I start to THINK dammit! Why is it I can sit on the jazz & be in a complete dwaal, yet remember a dozen things I should write about in my blog.............but then, within 10 minutes, I've forgotten everything? Oh well, so far I can remember these bits; The Little Boy still hasn't got his ball. Sisterbylaw couldn't get one & the bastards I ordered it from in the UK have seemingly pocketed my money. Either that, or some mongrel in Mndantsane is having a field day with the Little Boys ball. Hubs & I took a lovely 2 night break at Fujairah recently. We stayed at Le Meridien Al Aqah which was simply divine doll! (she says in her best kugel voice) The break would've been perfect but for one thing; NOISY, RUDE, OBNOXIOUS & HIGHLY IRRITATING kids.........the mini rag'ead variety. Jeez, talk about testing mine & hubs patience! What is it with the parents of these kids? Have they never heard of discipline or manners? Why did a parent think it was funny when her brat threw an empty cold drink can over the balcony & let it drop 2 storeys, into a lovely quiet lounge? It was quiet, until they arrived. Thankfully, we haven't let their behaviour leave too long a lasting impression & the noisy horde in the next room to us left after one night. *sigh* I had a new experience that weekend as well, of the 'wildlife' kind. On the drive home, we passed by a heap of camels. They were standing around rather aimlessly at the side of the road.......until they saw/heard our vehicle coming..........so then they decided to cross..........slowly! I never knew camels were so bloody indecisive! One minute they started walking across the road & the next minute they wandered back onto the verge again. Several minutes later (as well as quite a few 4 letter words from Hubs) they made up their minds & finally all crossed the road. I've been caught in the middle of a herd of elephants in Hwange National Park & also in the middle of a massive herd of buffalo in Chobe Game Reserve. I've also been incredibly lucky enough to see a pack of Wild (hunting) Dogs both inside a game reserve & also crossing a main road in Northern Botswana. Somehow, the encounter with a heap of mangy camels in the middle of a sandstorm just doesn't have the same thrill about it............. Just finished reading a good book, albeit quite unusual, called 'Gem Squash Tokoloshe' by Rachel Zadok. Her descriptions of the old Transvaal really took me back a few years & I could picture her words so clearly. I'm now reading another Ben Elton book - 'Stark'. (Just another bit of useless information!) On the way to do my volunteering stint at the rehab centre recently, the taxi driver seemed totally oblivious to the fact that he really didn't have much longer to live. He had a tape playing...........well.........I think it was a tape at one stage...........of a warbler (no doubt from his home country) whose voice went up & down in volume & pitch several times per minute. The musical background din consisted of numerous high pitched irritating instruments, guaranteed to make one think of nails on a blackboard......ooops.......sorry.........that should now be 'an historically disadvantaged drawing board'. The fluctuating volume I could handle. The nasally instruments in the background I could handle. What drove me to absolute distraction was that above the din of the singing(?) & music, was a repetitious 'scratch' noise, which drowned out every other racket at regular 2 second intervals. The driver had obtained this tape, which must have been originally recorded from a very badly scratched record. He had either got the 198th copy of it, or played it so many times that it'd warped & stretched to such a degree, that he really was tempting me to strangle him from the passenger seat in the rear of his vehicle! I'm just glad that nearly all the robots were on green & my trip was less than 5mins. Anything longer would have resulted in some serious physical damage, to both taxi driver & his car............eeeeeeeeeeeeek!!!! Oh well, time for me to stop punishing the keyboard & nut up to Spinneys, cos we're all out of spek (bacon) & cod. The prices are hysterical, but what the hell, it's a treat! Tailpiece........ BIRD flu is a serious disease that could strike any time now. Beware of symptoms that might indicate something is brewing. Here are a few tips that could save your life: First watch out for severe headaches; sniffles and sore throat are also apparent; a tight chest and aching muscles could also mean trouble. The most obvious, however, will be an irresistible urge to crap on the front window of a motor car.
Thursday, February 16, 2006LETS TALK RUBBISH I can't believe it! I've just come back from putting a bag of rubbish down the garbage chute & yet AGAIN, there's a plastic bag of rubbish, full to the brim & more, spilling its contents onto the floor. This is directly inside the door to the 'garbage room' & a mere 2ft (or less) from the actual garbage chute. For the life of me, I cannot fathom why some people are so bloody lazy. There surely can be no reason other than laziness/bone-sodding-idleness, cos surely if someone has the energy to physically leave their apartment, walk just a few metres & open the door to the garbage room, then why the hell can't they just open the chute & throw their trash away? I got so mad recently that I hastily wrote a notice & stuck it up in the garbage room, stating the chute was for rubbish, not the floor! It seems to have paid off.........until today. No doubt one of the apartment cleaners will pick the rubbish up AGAIN & chuck it down the chute AGAIN & wonder to himself; "I wonder who is too lazy to put their rubbish in the chute AGAIN?" I wonder if the perpetrator is too lazy to wipe his own arse? Probably. 'Nuff sed. And now for something totally different & oh so typically South African! THE MYSTERY of the missing bench at Erik's Corner has been solved -sort of. An irate reader's letter, published in Saturday's Dispatch, told how a kind-hearted person had used their Christmas bonus to buy a bench for unemployed people to sit on - only to notice that it was gone the very next morning. "I experienced that great feeling one experiences when reaching out to others less fortunate than oneself," wrote the Bonnie Doon resident, who asked not to be named. "That turned to a deep sadness and despair when, the next morning, I noticed that the bench had been stolen. I cannot comprehend how at least two people with a vehicle (the bench was heavy), could be so selfish as to steal from these men who are at least trying to be honestly employed. I shake my head at how depraved elements of our society have become." Now another reader has written to the Dispatch to explain. "I also feel for the unemployed of our city and help them in as many ways as possible," wrote the Beacon Bay resident, who also prefers not to be named. "When leaving the video shop at Erik's Corner on Saturday afternoon in my son-in-law's truck I was asked if I wished to purchase the cement bench by a group of the unemployed. "I enquired where they had got it from and was told it had been given to them to sell, as it was slightly damaged. I purchased it at a fair price and it was very willingly loaded by the group of sellers." Jislaaik, I wonder how many bottles of Klippies they got with the money?
Sunday, February 12, 2006WOULD YOU? WILL YOU?The following poem was written by me a few moons ago.........the inspiration for it was from a jar of Chocolate Body Paint...........and no, I'm not going to disclose if it was used or not! I shall just leave it to your imagination........... Would you? Will you? * * * If I gave you a brush to paint melted chocolate across my breast, would you paint your name with intricate strokes? Would you? Will you? * * * If the grain of the bristles made me arch my back, made my mouth purse in anticipated taste..... would you offer me the flavour? Would you? Will you? * * * If the warmth of my body left rivulets of sweat that mingled with the stickiness and begged for your tongue to sample such sweet delight.......... Would you? Will you? * * * Would you eat me, taste me, devour me, consume me, slowly? And if I offer myself, my delicacy to your dreams and your fantasies, would you accept my offering? Would you? Will you? * * jin 
Saturday, February 11, 2006AN IRISH SCARECROW
Sunday, February 05, 2006CHIKKIN & STUFFLet me introduce you to my baby boy (all 6'4" & 100kg of him!) & his baby girl. I've grown up giving family & friends nicknames, so it's not surprising that the next generation of the family has her own 
I missed going to the Rehab centre last week, as I had the chance to go to Dubai & get my drivers license. Hubs had a nightmare experience in getting his, so I wasn't too keen on getting mine..........just assuming I would get a heap of hassles. Hey, waddaya know..........my license was issued within 20 minutes! Shock horror! Hubs was stunned, I was stunned.......20 minutes, no aggro, no attitude, no hassles! Do I get a place in the UAE Book Of Records For Getting Things Done Without A Shitload Of Problems? (Currently No.473 on the Best-seller list)And.............yep, there's an 'and'..................I got my e-gate card at Dubai airport, also issued within 15 minutes! I am now officially sorted! Now, my co-ordination is not very good at the best of times...........Spadge (my son) cracks up laughing at me when I try & catch a ball as it normally hits me in the face before my hands get the signal from the sludge to 'catch'. So, now that I'm legal as it were, you can understand why I'm just a tad hesitant to drive over here, especially considering I've never driven a left hand drive vehicle. Ah, well, I gave in a few days ago & got behind the wheel.........eeeeeeeek! Hubs & I went to Fujairah (more on that later) & it was suggested I take over the driving duties for a while. Ten minutes seemed like an eternity. My fingers cramped from the white knuckle death grip I had on the steering wheel & I got an instant tension headache. Hubs didn't help the situation by giving me sidewards glances & the odd panic stricken shriek of "get away from the kerb!" There wasn't a bloody kerb in sight - just a white line demarcating the edge of the road! I managed quite confidently to overtake a slow car & maneuver my way around a circle without giving hubs palpitations, but I gotta admit, I wasn't keen driving. I guess I'm just too used to driving our car at home, especially on the 'other' side of the road. Oh well, I've made a start, so no doubt I'll be venturing out now & again in the near future. I think I'll get hubs some tranquilisers or give him a coupla stiff shots of JD before he suggests I take over the wheel again :-) I went to the Rehab centre this morning & was once again rewarded with so many smiles. I don't know if someone important is visiting the centre today or what the occasion was, but all the patients were smartly dressed in their 'Sunday best' thobes & the ward where they're kept was rearranged totally. All beds were gone & the patients were all placed in supportive chairs or on sofas. I always greet 'the guys' (bless 'em) in Arabic, but thereafter tend to speak to them in Afrikaans, which is kinda weird I s'pose? Stranger still, I tend to say my farewell in Chichewa! OK, I'm, 'different' I know! The 'guys' got all excited as soon as the music started & several were lost in their own little worlds. One of my 'favourites - whom I shall call Gummy - held my hands for so long.............he felt all of my fingers & then it was almost if he analysed the rings I wear.........his own fingers were so inquisitive, so gentle. He can see & hear, but cannot speak or even make himself understood in any way. He can smile though & he can wave his arms & fragile little legs in excitement when he hears the music. Myself & another volunteer managed to get one of the patients up on his feet & take him for a walk around the ward. Apart from having Down's Syndrome - admittedly quite severe - there's little else wrong with him. He sits for hours, cross-legged on his bed & stares into space or rocks gently back & forth. I was told that he'd broken a foot sometime last year, which seemed to ground him almost permanently. There's very little wrong with his feet or his legs now, so with a bit of encouragement, he had a nice little walkabout. He gave me a hug twice today, so I feel really privileged :-) In wrapping up for today, let me finish with a Tailpiece................ A MAN and his wife were sitting in their living room when he said to her: "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetable state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."
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nickname - 'Chikkin'. I was lucky enough to nut over to Dublin a few weeks after her birth & had the pleasure of holding her for real........my first grandchild! 'Grandad' hasn't seen her yet, but is counting the days until we go home to the Eastern Cape in May, cos then he'll get to hold her & fuss over her & love her to bits............ag shame hey!